Tuesday, November 30, 2004

What is...holy shit?

The dude from Utah finally got beat. I can't freaking believe it. See, I used to love Jeopardy! before that asshat started dominating it. I realize that it was good for ratings and all, but I'm really good at Jeopardy! Really good! My Kid used to watch it with me when he was younger and say, "Mom! You should go on there!"

See, the thing is, I changed my major A LOT when I was in college. So I studied some of everything. I do really good on Jeopardy!

Not as good as Ken, though, apparently. Jeez, he bored me. It wasn't any fun to play anymore. I'm glad he's gone. Go back to Utah and make some high IQ babies or something.

Monday, November 29, 2004

Skanky Ho Barbie

We actually did do a little Xmas shopping this weekend. My Kid talked us into taking him to Toys R Us on Wednesday evening, so we went ahead and bought gifts for my brother's kids (whom I ADORE) while we were there.

He likes cars and trucks. That was easy. Hot Wheels or Matchbox or whatever. I whole set of 'em, plus a big carrier truck to roll 'em up into. Vroom.

Now my niece, she likes Bratz. First, can you even believe that they make dolls called "Bratz"? Since when did being a brat become a good thing?? And anyway, she looks like the Steve Madden ads.

Oh but wait. It gets better. While on the Dolls R Us aisle, I'm looking at the Barbies they had on the shelf. And I could not believe what I saw. Now it took me a while to find this online. All they show there is Barbie as Sandy from Grease and Barbie Fairytopia. Although I did find this. ROWR!

But then finally I found it. Can you believe it? They tried to hide her as "Fashion Show Teresa Doll with Fiber-Optic Light-Up Shirt." Ha! But I found her.

Now you tell me,would you buy Skanky Ho Barbie for your daughter? Is THIS what we want our young girls to aspire to?

Damn that Brittany Spears.

How I've been expressing my complete insanity lately

I get on the elevator and press the button of the floor I'm already on.

When it doesn't go anywhere, I push it again and again, becoming increasingly agitated.

I do this at work a lot.

What I'm Reading

This weekend I read two books:

1. Skipping Christmas by John Grisham
I'm not a huge Grisham fan - even though a lot of his stories take place here in Memphis and they shoot a lot of his films here. I think he's a pretty good storyteller. I don't think he's a great writer. I've read a few of his things, but I don't rush out to buy the latest.

This book was cute enough. But it almost seemed like he was specifically writing it so that it could be made into a movie. I mean, come on! The falling off the roof thing? He was totally picturing Tim Allen when he wrote that.

2. The Kitchen Boy by Robert Alexander
This was an intriguing book about the final days of Russia's last tsarist family, Nicholas and Alexandra. It's a historical novel based on something Alexandra wrote in the last pages of her diary about their young kitchen boy, whom they called Leonka: "Suddenly Leonka Sednyov was fetched to go and see his uncle and flew off -wonder whether it's true and we shall see the boy back again!"

So the author got to thinking...what if there was a survivor of the brutal murders of July 16, 1918? What could he tell us? There was a series of secret rescue notes passed to the family- who wrote them? Was there really an escape planned, or was the Tsar being set up? And what of the missing suitcase hiding $5 million of Romanov jewels? Is it still buried in Siberia? Could he explain why two of the children's bodies were never found?

Their lives were so dramatic - their deaths so mysterious. Robert Alexander uses fiction to create an ending fit for a dynasty.

Saturday, November 27, 2004


She was gonna be an actress
She was gonna be a star...
She was gonna shake her ass
On the hood of WhiteSnake's car...

This song was written FOR ME. In case there was any question...

Swear on the bible...

Tonight we were sitting around watching the Memphis Grizzlies play the Dallas Mavericks on TV and My Kid swore I had been to the new FedEx Forum. I told him that I hadn't.

"Yes," he said. "You went there when it was being built."

"No, honey," I said. "That was the Redbirds staduim I went to. They took a picture of us with hard hats on; that's what you're thinking of."

"NO! You've been to the Grizzlies stadium!"

I tried to convince him that I hadn't. We went round & round. Back & forth.

Finally, he pulled my most recent InStyle magazine from under the coffee table.

"Place your hand on the magazine and raise your right hand..." he said. "Do you swear you've never been inside the FedEx Forum?"

I swore on the InStyle magazine...my bible. My Kid...he knows me SOOOO well.

What I'm Listening To

Making my own Queen Greatest Hits on iTunes

  1. Another One Bites the Dust
  2. Bohemian Rhapsody
  3. Killer Queen
  4. Fat Bottomed Girls
  5. You're My Best Friend
  6. Crazy Little Thing Called Love
  7. Somebody to Love
  8. Play the Game
  9. I Want it All (my theme song!!)
  10. One Vision
  11. Under Pressure (favorite. 80s. song. ever.)
  12. I Want to Break Free

Showing my age, no?

Well it just gets worse. Also downloading the new Tears for Fears CD, "Everybody Loves a Happy Ending" and I just bought "John Lennon Acoustic" since I couldn't find it on iTunes.

Does anyone know if it's possible to post a song on blogger? Please send me instructions. I'm dying to share music.

Shoppers Beware!

I went out braving the crowds today...although I didn't go to the mall...and I wasn't shopping for holiday gifts. I just figured now might be a good time to find myself some holiday bargains!

I went looking for jeans, which I was fully prepared to pay $150 for. But then I found these on sale at Gap, so I bought two pair. Plus a couple of these great, thick turtlenecks. Girls, I recommend stocking up on these in every color!

Then there was this great cropped jacket at the Republic as well as the velvet version at the Gap.

And believe it or not, I bought some cute little flats to wear with my new jeans. Haven't worn flats in for.ev.er. But these were too cute to pass up. And with the jeans and velvet jacket? Perfect for casual holiday get-togethers.

Now get out there and buy yourself something! Tis the season, dammit!

UPDATE 5:49 PM: Look for updates under the topic "Tis the Season, Dammit!" with more shopping and party tips from Overdressed.

Friday, November 26, 2004

Let the saints sing HOSANNA!

For those of you sitting at home today, enjoying the day off from work and not daring to battle the throngs at the mall - there's a special on the Mormon Tabernacle Choir on PBS right now. I'm watching it while I'm online planning our family's holiday vacation to Sin City where we'll drink and gamble and watch naked ladies dance. Woot!

Everybody's Doing It

At first I avoided it. When Jen first mentioned it, I scoffed at the idea. I'm such a Scrooge about Chirstmas. I don't send cards to my own family and friends. If I participated in a holiday card exchange with other bloggers, I'd probably send an anti-christmas card and annoy people.

Then I started thinking about it: How much more anti-christmas can you get then exchanging cards with people you don't even know and ignoring your friends and family?? So in that case - I'm in!

If you want to exchange cards with me, email me your mailing adress and I'll send you mine.

And let me know if you see other sites participating in a holiday card exchange so I can sign up there too. The more the merrier christmas.

Thursday, November 25, 2004

Ghost of Thanksgivings Past

Because I am such a scrooge about holidays.

But seriously, Thanksgiving is the one holiday I like OK. Becuase I love the food. Love it. Turkey. Dressing. Gravy. Cranberry. Yum. Plus, it's a no bullshit holiday. Just, you know - cook; eat; watch football. Doesn't get any better than that.

Laugh for the day
Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade Announcer: "Coming up next: recording legend Peter Cetera, the Cast of Sesame Street, the Big Bird balloon and BARE NAKED LADIES!!"

I don't remember many Thanksgivings from my childhood. Truth is, I don't have a lot of memories in general from my childhood. We always had a lot of people over, I know that. Single folks. The Mormon missionaries. People that didn't have family or anywhere else to go. My parents were real charitable that way. Whatever made 'em look good in the eyes of the congregation, ya know. I remember one year, my sister and I got very, very upset with my dad and the other men because there was some Thanksgiving Day kids special on and they insisted on watching football. This was back in the day when we only had one, small, black & white TV in the house. We were devastated. We cried and moaned. "It only comes on once every seven years!" Like it was the Thanksgiving Olympics or something. Actually, it was a cartoon about a mouse on the Mayflower. It may have even been called, "The Mouse and the Mayflower." JOY.

When I lived in Corpus Christi with my ex-boyfriend, his step-monster had a tradition of starting out the day with mimosas during the Macy's Parade. A tradition I've chosen to carry on today. CHEERS.

When My Kid was a baby and we lived in our first house, Big Daddy was working nights. I got up early with My Kid and we'd wrap up in blankets and drink hot chocolate and watch the parade. It was quiet and peaceful and happy. Today, he stays up till 2 a.m. playing X Box when he doesn't have school the next day and sleeps till well after the parade has ended. HAPPY.

We're having dinner here today. But I don't cook turkey. We order from Corky's (a bar-b-que place here in town). It's not BBQ though. Smoked maybe. Anyway, we get it from there every year. It's YUMMY. I don't try to cook a turkey. That's just craziness. My out-laws are coming. We split all the trimmings. I'm doing dressing, gravy, green been casserole and she's doing sweet potato casserole (nuts, not marshmallows. Feh.), cranberry jello mold and pumpkin pie (store bought. Double Feh.). I bought a nice $25 bottle of pinot noir for me and Dad. I set a pretty table. I made a little centerpiece of live flowers in a clear glass with cranberry frogs. Did you know that's what it's called? Frogs? That's when you fill the vase with something like pebbles (or cranberries) and then stick the flowers into them and cover them with water. I learned that on the Martha Stewart web site, which surprisingly, she's been able to maintain even though she's in prison. Anyway, pretty good for me b/c I'm totally not crafty or into decorating. If I ever had a holiday party, I would hire someone to decorate my house. And also to cater it. PARTY.

Hope everything is nice for you and yours today. Hope you don't have to put up with any bullshit relatives you don't like. Hope your dinner is tasty. Hope your team wins. Hope your superlong weekend is relaxing and fun. JOY. CHEERS. HAPPY. PARTY.

Even the dog's above average

I went to Super Target the other night and there's still a huge 24-pack of toilet paper sitting in my kitchen floor that hasn't been put away yet. It's the one thing I buy in bulk. Don't wanna be out of that.

So I guess last night Big Daddy & My Kid didn't let Our Dog out before they went to bed. Because he peed in the house while we were sleeping (which he never does). And guess where he peed? ON THE TOILET PAPER!

He is so smart!

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

How's this for a happy?

Yesterday, I complimented this girl in our corporate marketing department on her nail polish and today she brought me a bottle of it!

I said, "What's this?"

And she said, "It's Wicked!"

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

What's the shelf life on that?

Sunday I was at the grocery store doing my shopping for Thanksgiving. (Would you believe I have a problem saying that word out loud? I do. It comes out "Thanks & Giving" every time.) I called my monster-in-law to ask if she was going to make her cranberry jello mold and she said, "Yes, I'm briging it. I've already made it."

Dude, it was SUNDAY! I mean, planning ahead and all that, yeah. But Sunday?

I knew this day was coming

My Kid just gave me shit about smoking.

Because his science and health teacher, in all her infinite wisdom, showed them a video today with an autopsy of a heart and lung of a smoker.


It is great. I hope he never, ever smokes. It's so horrible. When I think of all that I did those nine months to ensure that he would have a healthy body...if he ever smokes, I'll kill him.

I hate that I smoke. Really, I do. I hate that I've smoked as long as I have. I try to justify it: I don't smoke that much - a pack of cigarettes lasts me several days. And Carrie smoked! My SATC idol.

It's no good. My Kid is sad. He hates that I smoke. I've quit before - for several years at a time, even.

God...just what I need in my life: MORE GUILT. Feh.

Sunday, November 21, 2004

Shop where you see our logo Posted by Hello

Another of my pet peeves

Here's a hint for those of you not used to grocery shopping:

Those doors in the frozen section? They're meant to be looked through. Do not open them just to view what's inside. Seriously, you can see all that without opening them!

And when you open them, they fog up. Yeah, now the rest of us can't see through them.

So here's the procedure. It's pretty easy to follow:
1) Look through the doors to find what you want to buy.
2) When you've found your target item, open the doors and remove the item.
3) Place it in your basket.
4) Close the door.

See how easy that is? Yeah, so please, DO NOT STAND THERE WITH THE DOOR OPEN! Seriously. Just becuase you got some chicken broth down off the top shelf for me does not excuse you from this totally unacceptable behavior.


A Frank Discussion

WARNING: I'm going to talk openly about my Brazilian wax now. So if you're a guy, or if that sort of thing makes you uncomfortable, you may want to skip this post. But if you want to know, read on, and I will share all.

The Pain
I was so concerned about how much it would hurt, that I got drunk before I went and got a friend to drive me. And she is a true friend, too, having to put up with more drunken chatterings about pubic hair than any one person should be subjected to in a lifetime.

I'm not going to tell you it didn't hurt. Because of course it did - some areas more than others. But it wasn't so bad. I had a really good technician; she came highly recommended from two friends that go to her. She worked quickly and it was over with soon. I didn't even cry. Getting my lip waxed makes my eyes water. But no crying here.

Bare or Landing Strip?
I had intended on getting the landing strip, but apparently they go bare by default and (being drunk) I forgot to mention to her that I wanted her to leave a landing strip. The thought of completely bare made me a little uncomfortable, like a pre-pubescent girl and there's something a little twisted about that.

It took me two weeks to get used to it, but now I LOVE MY BRAZILIAN! I will never go back! I'm a pretty hairy person (you've seen pictures of me), so I was always trimming and shaving and dealing with bumps and irritation. Donning a swimsuit was such an ordeal for me.

Now, it's maintenance-free! Smooth, soft, clean. I love it. I don't even want a landing strip anymore. I'm all about BARE!

The Itch Factor
None! I've had some re-growth and there is no itch at all!

At the Salon
I was a little uncomfortable about the actual act of this waxing. I mean, this woman was going to be working on me down there! But she was very professional and worked very quickly. I actually think knowing she's done this same procedure to friends of mine made it better. Like I wasn't a freak.

If you live in a bigger city, I'm sure it will be more. It cost me $60 plus tip. I'm not sure if that's the price every time or if touch-ups are less. Whatever. It's worth it to me. I'll pay it. And you know I'll get no complaints from Big Daddy about spending the money.

Touch Ups
I don't know how often I'm supposed to have this done?? I think I once heard that hair had to be 1/4 of an inch to be waxed (you know, so it has something to grab hold of). My hair grows fast, too. In two years, it's gone from up around my ears to well below my shoulders, if that tells you anything. I think it's been three weeks, and that's probably about how often it will be for me.

I will not get so drunk next time either. Maybe just a couple glasses of wine.

Big Daddy's Opinion
Of course, he loves it. I asked him, "Does it feel different, or just look different?" He said it feels different.

After I did it, he spent the next day cleaning the house. Which he never does. He told me later, "You've never done anything like this for me. It makes me want to...contribute."

So there you have it, girls! 60 bucks, a few margaritas, a moderate amount of pain, and the next thing you know the hubster's helping out around the house! Can you beat that??

Tuesday, November 16, 2004

My New Best Friend!!!!

OMG, Mark got inspired by that last post (which, BTW, is down from having received so many hits). I honestly had no idea someone would actually go to such lengths, but LOOK HOW WELL HE KNOWS ME!!! He's my new best friend. Mark, this is TOTALLY going to be my new wallpaper on my work PC!

PS - Big Daddy wants to know if you can make me Samantha?

Is that Carrie? NO! IT'S ME!!!! Posted by Hello

Look - Samantha, Charlotte, KALISAH, Carrie & Miranda. Posted by Hello

Monday, November 15, 2004

Oh, NOW they tell me!

33 Reasons why you shouldn't post your picture on the internet.

Friday, November 12, 2004

Back to What Matters

OK, no more posts about politics, or work, or the religious right. It's time to get back to what's important. Like, MY HAIR.

So let's talk about my hair. And it's many, many incarnations. This should be fun. I believe we'll go in chronological order.

When me & Big Daddy were dating, I had long, red, curly hair. It was a tough choice for him - me or Ariel the Little Mermaid. The curl, natural. The red, not so much. Posted by Hello

By the time My Kid was born, I'd cut it all off and was trying to straighten it. You can't quite appreciate in this photo just how frizzy it was. Posted by Hello

And look how big it was when I wore it curly. Good god, it's wider than my shoulders!Posted by Hello

By his first birthday, I'd gone even shorter. But back to curly. Or wavy. Not really long enough to curl even. Posted by Hello

By age 2, it had grown out a bit. With bangs even. I was going for that traditional "MOM" look.Posted by Hello

Longer still...and darker, too. Trying to get back to my original color after all that red. Posted by Hello

College graduation. 1997. Going for the smoother, more professional look. Pretty close to natural color here. Posted by Hello

Trying to grow it out. Letting it curl. And red...again. Posted by Hello

Long again. But straight this time. And a more natural red. This was about 1999. You can see how fast my hair grows, if you consider the graduation photo was just 2 years prior to this. Posted by Hello

Today. OK, I skipped a few years, but it was getting redundant. Here's the four years I skipped: Short again. Red. Growing out. Curly. Now Blonde! OK, my roots are a little dark here. But check out the smooth and flat results that ionic hair dryer gives me! Posted by Hello

So that was fun...

Thanks for joining me. Next time we can enjoy some of my great fashion statements over the years.

Last night I dreamed...

that I was going to sing on stage. It was a very detailed dream: I was going to sing "Guess I'll Hang My Tears Out To Dry" that Linda Ronstadt did with the Nelson Riddle Orchestra. And I was going to wear a long, emerald green, velvet dress and my hair up and I even knew how I was going to do my stage make-up. My junior high band director, Mr. McCracken, was musical director of the show. I was one of the last performers. The girl after me was really pretty and was singing an opera aria. I was a little jealous of her but liked her at the same time because I kind of thought of us as equals.

The day of the show, I went to get ready at someone else's house. Actually, it was more like a college dorm - lots of people, shared bathroom. I had to pack up alllll my stuff to get ready. And it was a lot. And I was loaded down with all these bags and my arms were full and I was dropping everything and hoping I got all the really important things.

I was late and rushed getting ready. The girl whose room I was getting ready in was in the show, too, but she was doing this silly little song & dance thing - she was really early in the show. She was upset with me because she had wanted me to do it with her. I tried to appease her by agreeing, since she was so early in the line up; I would have time to change into my velvet dress and fix my hair for my jazz performance. But still, as I was getting ready in her room, I was putting on the more formal outfit.

The guy who was driving us kept yelling that we had to go, we had to go. I was rushing and rushing and nothing was going as planned and I ended up in a white, gauzy dress instead of the one I'd planned on. Which upset me greatly b/c it just didn't go with the song. I was trying to do my make up but I left some important pieces behind. Then I realized I'd gotten my hair wet in the shower, and I didn't bring any of my tools for drying & straightening it. So I rushed out the door with stringy wet hair instead of the cool updo I'd planned on. I tried to gather up all my stuff and again the loaded down arms and dropping things and trying to decide on the fly if I could leave some of my stuff at this dorm and come back for it later and which stuff did I just HAVE to have with me for my performance?

There was lots of snow and ice on the ground. It made it really hard to drive. We arrived late. They wouldn't drop me at the stage door. I had to go in the front and walk the length of the room to get to backstage. I got back there. They were screaming for me. I said, "It's not my turn yet!" They said, "Yes! Yes, it is! Hurry, hurry!"

I stood behind the curtain awaiting my introduction. I asked Mr. McCracken, "Where's the microphone?" He handed it to me. "No, no! It's supposed to be on a stand!" "No, this is it. You have to hold it."

I walked out on stage. The curtain opened. The music started. But it was the wrong music. It was an Elvis song. I looked down at the mike and it was one of those big, heavy 1950s mikes. I could hardly hold it up it was so heavy. Then the cord started to pull. Like someone was pulling it out of my hands. I fought to hold on to it. Everything started moving in slow motion. Even the Elvis music. Like it was playing on the wrong speed. I fought to hold on to the mike. The curtain closed. I turned to Mr. McCracken waiting for him to correct everything so I could sing my song.

End of dream.

Last week Helen posted a site that interprets dream aspects, so I went there and looked up "struggle." They didn't have it. But they had "fight":

To dream that you participate in a fight, indicates inner turmoil. Some aspect of yourself is in conflict with another aspect of yourself. Perhaps an unresolved or unacknowledged part is fighting for its right to be heard. It may also parallel a fight or struggle that you are going through in your waking life.
Which was about what I expected. I mean, dreaming that you're in a constant struggle isn't really too hard to figure out, is it? Especially the part where I was "fighting to hold on" [to the microphone]. I just wish I could put my finger on what I'm struggling against (or for) exactly. I mean, what in life ISN'T a struggle??

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

Dude, do you know what today is???

Yes, yes, Big Daddy's birthday. I know. Happy Birthday to Big Daddy. Did I mention the incredibly painful but seriously generous gift that I gave him?

Besides all that, today is Blog it Forward Day!! Which I've been anxiously awaiting! Because the last time we had Blog it Forward Day, I was merely a reader. And not a blogger! Now I, too, may participate in this hallowed affair! And in case you haven't noticed, I do not take exclammation points lightly, so you should be able to tell right away how very, very excited I am.

Blog it Forward Day is when you spread the blog love by picking one or more blogs from your blogroll and posting on your site why you link to them. See, this day was just made for me, because you gotta know that I love spreading my opinion around.

So today, in my First Blog it Forward, I'm sending out my love to:

  1. Suburban Bliss - it's only fair and right that I blog it forward to Melissa because I actually found her through a previous Blog it Forward Day. And now she's one of my favorite reads. Personally, I think she's one of the most talented and witty writers out there. Oh my god, that entry about her cousin's wedding...what a riot. And I only wish I could find the "there's a pickle touching my sandwich" entry or whatever the hell it was because it was CLASSIC. If I owned a newspaper, I would give her her own column TODAY. And then we'd both get rich. RICH, I tell ya!
  2. Corporate Mommy - OK, I'm not pimping Elizabeth's site merely because she helped explain some of the more technical aspects of setting up a blog to me. Although she did do that and I am FOR. EV. ER. grateful so of course I would do just anything in the world for that woman. But even more than her tech support, her writing is superb. She sees things from such a different perspective than I do. Reading her work is enlightening in a very satisfying way. So go there. And leave comments, because she is a comment whore and unfortunately, there is no 12-step program for that so we're just going to have to feed her addiction.
  3. All I'm Saying - I don't want to get greedy here since I have, afterall, only been blogging since June so maybe I don't deserve to blog THREE blogs forward, but it's so hard to choose! I *heart* all my links like family. But I had to throw Casey in here, too, because even though I haven't been reading her that long, she has somehow managed to suck me into her life through her posts. I can't say why that is exactly but that's got to be the mark of something good, when you just can't walk away. You know, like Chili's Presidente margaritas. Plus, go to her site and check out that photo. OK, now how cute is she?? Yeah, you hear that whooshing sound? That's the sound of you being sucked in, too.

So there you have it. Now, if Corporate Mommy's out there somewhere, could you please explain this whole "trackback" thing to me? B/c we're all supposed to "trackback" to Buzz's site so everyone can see who all linked to Blog it Forward Day but I have no idea what that means or how to do it. Thanks, babe!

Tuesday, November 09, 2004

Say goodnight, Gracie

Oh lord...I may never see my husband and child ever again.

This is a TEST

So...let's say that you're a college athlete. An NCAA basketball player, to be exact. And you share a dorm apartment with three of your teammates. And let's say you had allllll this expensive STUFF in your dorm. Stuff NCAA players aren't supposed to be able to afford. Like, say...$40,000 in mink coats, $2,500 in diamond earrings, $4,000 in custom-made shirts, $3,150 in throwback jerseys, etc. etc. etc.

Then let's say one night you were playing a basketball game...against a Division II school that was actually kicking your ass, but that's really not pertinent to the story. So your dorm apartment is empty. Because all four of you are at the fancy new arena trying to win a spot in the starting line up. And just suppose, when you return from the game, you find that your dorm apartment has been broken into and ALL YOUR FANCY EXPENSIVE STUFF HAS BEEN STOLEN.

Now, who do you call?
(choose one)

a) Your coach...who can hopefully keep your ass out of trouble,


b) The police...who will put your story on the evening news.

Yeah, well, that's why you & me didn't get a free ride to college on a basketball scholarship. Because we're smarter than this.

Sunday, November 07, 2004

And for Big Daddy's birthday...

Big Daddy's birthday is Wednesday. I went and got his present yesterday. Look - I crossed it off my "Before I Die" list. *wink*

Saturday, November 06, 2004

How I treated myself on my birthday

  • I pulled out a new makeup sponge even though the one I was currently using still had a few good uses left in it.
  • I drank sweet tea at lunch.
  • I went to bed - completely sober - at 8 p.m.

Shit. I'm old afterall...

Friday, November 05, 2004


It sounds a lot older than it feels.

Dear World,


Thursday, November 04, 2004

Open letters to be delivered to Liberty Bowl Stadium

Dear Memphis Tigers,

Thank you for not getting stomped all over by Louisfreakingville tonight. You're really hanging in there. I love you guys. Keep it up.

Big Fan


Dear Tiger Fans Sitting in our Section,

Yes, we left at half time. It was late - almost 9 p.m. on a school night. That was a long-ass first half. Over two hours, and more than 700 yards. Sheesh. That should be enough for anyone. So take our bleacher seats if you want 'em.

Til next week,
Really Attractive Family of Three


Dear ESPN2 Camera Guy on the Crane,

Thank you for putting My Kid and his homemade sign on TV. You made his night.

Proud Mom


Dear Guy Sitting Next to Me,

Yes, it's chilly out. It's football weather. But its 55 degrees; that's hardly freezing. I really don't think the big old quilted down coat was necessary. I was sitting next to the Michelin Man.

Lady to your Right


Dear Field Judge,

You suck. I have never in my life seen such shitty officiating. You called pass interference on our player and he was at least ten yards away from the guy that fell down. And when the Cardinal tripped our guy? Yeah, no flag. And BTW, how the fuck does the kicking team get an illegal block??? You suck so bad, I really wanted Tommy West to punch you when you two were having words. It would have been so worth it. Suck. Never come back here again.

Disgruntled Tiger Fan on Row 21


Dear AM790 Radio Announcer,

When describing a block during a football radio broadcast, it's probably better if you don't say, "He really put the wood to that guy."

Laughing Listener


Dear U of M and Conference USA Bigwigs,

How come we don't have beer at our games? That's no fair. Whoever made that rule is FIRED.

Fan Who Would Enjoy the Games a Lot More if She Had a Drink


Wednesday, November 03, 2004


I woke up a bit cranky this morning.

I stayed up too late, drank too much...only to see the electoral map bleed red.

My eyebrows are knitted into a scowl that I'm pretty sure will be my permanent facial expression for the next four years.

And as the day wears on, my anger has begun the downward spiral into deep, severe depression.

I'm concerned that my rights as a woman will be in jeopardy when hard-nosed, right wing, religious fanatic conservatives are controlling the presidency, the Senate, the House AND the Supreme Court.

When I say this to people in my red state, they look at me like I'm some kind of crazy paranoid conspiracy theorist and say, "Well I don't think THAT'S going to happen."

And I'm concerned that there are so many people in this country that are SO BLIND to the rights that have already been stripped from us over the last four years.

And I'm most depressed not by the prospect of four more years of idiocracy and warmongering and divisiveness, but that I live in a country where the majority of the people think it's good for us to have a fundamentalist in the White House. He's bringing Christian morals back to America! He's returned faith to our government!

Well here's a news flash for you: our country was not founded on Christian fundamentals. You're confusing that with religious freedom. Which means that if I want to worship the freaking MOON as my god - or *gasp* goddess - then I have every right to do just that. Although it would severely limit my prospects of ever getting elected president.

So I just have one question: WHO'S GOING TO LEAD THE REVOLUTION??

Tuesday, November 02, 2004

A priviledge, not a right.

Ahhh...participation in the democratic process.

I love it.

Kinda like your wedding day and Christmas when you were a kid, you wait and you wait and you wait...and it's over before you know it.

The old fart running my polling place (do you have to have any credentials to get that job?) was a complete fucktard. I don't know the process in your state, but here, we got two lines. For two tables.

At the first table, you show them your ID (they're checking the address to make sure you're voting in the correct precinct) and then you fill out a little slip of paper. And sign it. The signature thing's important.

Then you take your paper (and ID) and, based on your last name, you get into another line. At my polling station, some of the folks live within the city limits and some (like me) are county. So they separate that out to make sure that county folks aren't voting for City School Board Members and the like.

So one line for the city mouse.

Most of us, though, are country mice. So there's two lines for us - A-L and M-Z or something.

Now, these line move really. really. slow. ly. slowly. Because when you get up to the second table, they look you up in The Book. And when they find you, you sign The Book. Then you can take your little slip of paper and go into the booth.

Well, any egghead can figure out that the first line is going to move much, much faster than the second lines. And they just kept letting more and more and more people in, directing them to their appropriate second line.

And christ on a cracker! We're not in a cafeteria or a gymnasium. We're in the tiny fellowship hall of a tiny church. One room. Two tables. Seven voting machines. And about a bajillion people.
So this old guy, he keeps trying to snake the lines this way and that, b/c no one's supposed to be behind the voting machines. And eventually, you start getting cranky. Well, I started to get cranky anyway. And I said to him, "Dude, you gotta quit letting people into this line until it clears out some."

And he says to me, "Can you imagine the controversy if I told people they couldn't come in??"

And I'm like, "I didn't say to turn them away. I'm just saying, stop that other line until this one moves an inch or two."

And he says, "Only the fire department can tell me when this room is too full."

And I'm like, "Look, asshat, I'm reporting you to the election commission for being too fucking stupid to run a polling place."

OK, I didn't say that.

Because I was pretty excited about taking part in the democratic process.

And you see, standing in line, making idle conversation with the lady behind you who had no qualms about telling you who she is voting for but luckily it happens to be the same candidate as you, waiting for your thirty seconds behind the curtain, that's what it's all about.

And an hour after I arrived, I stepped into the voting machine.

I pushed one button. A red light came on.

I hit the green button labeled "VOTE" and the curtain swung open.

And I am part of history.

Monday, November 01, 2004

Tonight's "America (The Book)" passage

Chapter Four, Congress

If representation is calculated by person, states like Rhode Island or Delaware would be routinely voted down by the more populous New York and Virginia. That would be unfair. But if each state had the same number of representatives, states like Rhode Island and Delaware would have the exact same say as New York and Virginia. That would be unfair as well. And speaking of unfair, are those Indians going to be staring at us the whole time we're figuring this out?


Stole this from Carmen's blog
Starting with your head down to your toes, what health/beauty products have you used/applied to your body so far today? [For example, shampoo, toothpaste, makeup, cologne/perfume, nail polish, etc.]

Oh lord, this could take a while. Let's see...

In the shower, there was:
John Frieda Sheer Blonde shampoo
Garnier Fructis conditioner
Cetaphil face wash
Rosemary Mint shower gel
Cucumber & Melon body lotion
Pepsodent toothpaste
Degree deodorant/antiperspirant

Then, on my hair:
Aquage hair straightening gel
D:fi d:struct molding cream
John Frieda hair serum

Now, the face:
some kind of brightening eye cream (Neutrogena)
Purpose face moisturizer
Neutrogena lip moisturizer

OK, This is waaaay less make up than it sounds:
Laura Mercier base make up
Laura Mercier cover up
Laura Mercier under eye cover
Nars blush
T.LeClerc loose face powder
Stila eye make up
Bobbie Brown gel eye liner
Mac pencil eye liner
some kind of cheap drug store mascara
some other kind of cheap drug store mascara in clear to tame these ridiculous eyebrows
Mac lipliner
Nars lipstick

Can you say "HIGH MAINTENANCE"???

There were actually four more questions at Carmen's, but I'm spent.

Vote or DIE

Is P. Diddy threatening me??