Saturday, April 29, 2006

In all fairness....

OK, first I had you all convinced that Big Daddy was a complete Neanderthal by posting that list where I said he doesn't take out the trash or close his dresser drawers or pick up his laundry etc. etc. Then, I made him look like a total ogre when he "challenged" me to post about my office floor. So, to set the record straight, let's look at some of his more appealing characteristics:

1. Family always comes first. Before anyone or anything else, me & Our Kid are the most important things in his life - top of the list - family means everything to him.
2. He's an excellent provider. When he graduated college, he set a goal for himself to increase his earnings by x percent every x number of years. And he has surpassed that over and over again. Yes, he's a workaholic. There are worse things, like husbands who refuse to get off their ass and take care of their families.
3. He has a brilliant business mind. I've mentioned this here before, and it's hard for me to explain it to you, given that his business acumen far (FAR) exceeds mine. Remember that scene in Good Will Hunting, where he's eating lunch outside with Minnie Driver and he's trying to explain how it is that he can do organic chemistry for fun? And he said that it was like when Beethoven and Mozart looked at a piano and he said, "I just play." Big Daddy said to me, "That's how business is to me." He never took the first business class. Like a musical prodigy, he just plays.
4. He has amazing style and taste. Big Daddy has picked out every formal dress I've purchased since we got married. (And I used to buy them often, when I was working at the hospital and doing gala events all the time.) And one of them - this gold, haltertop, full-skirted dress? $5 off the clearance rack. I KNOW!! He has the ability to see something on a hanger that makes me think "Ugh." and say, "Just try it on," and I put it on and it looks like a million bucks. And remember the bathroom that he redecorated?
5. He taught me to buy good shoes. When I met Big Daddy, I used to buy shoes at Payless. I figured that, by paying less, I could buy more. He took me to Goldsmith's (now Macy*s) and introduced me to Nine West and Enzo. Which he probably regrets since now I insist on Prada and Manolos and wouldn't be caught dead in 9 West. Heh.
6. He taught me to vacation. And introduced me to the gorgeous beach that is Destin, Florida. Even when we were struggling students on food stamps he insisted on going to the beach for a week every year. (We won't get into the tragic motels that we inhabited in those years. Yikes!) And after Our Kid came along, he insisted that we vacation occasionally without him. It's a good practice that I highly recommend for new parents. And one that he probably will also live to regret when I start whining for a beach house someday. Heh heh.
7. He despises the University of Tennessee. And you just can't put a high enough price on good taste.
8. He's a cut-throat Scrabble player. Which I don't necessarily like that much, since of course I'm playing against him. But I do respect when he spells a 10-letter word with a 'Z" on the triple-word-score square. I think in all the games in all the years I've only ever beaten him once at Scrabble. Which is why I prefer Trivial Pursuit.
9. He adheres to the policy to never do anything for yourself that you can pay someone else to do. See? Told you - soul. mates.
10. He put up with me when I was drinking. Even though I wasn't a very good wife or mother there for a while, he never gave up on me. Patience is definitely not one of his virtues, yet he abided much more than I probably would have had the circumstances been reversed. Which really takes us back to Number 1: Family always comes first, doesn't it?

Sexy or Not Sexy?

6'3, 256-pound tight end from the University of Maryland cried when he got drafted #6 (San Francisco) this morning. Sexy or Not Sexy?

Friday, April 28, 2006


So, I guess Big Daddy was a little off-put by the post about his many annoying character- istics, because today when he came into my office and freaked out at what a mess it was, he said, "Blog THAT!" I know it's a mess....I've been meaning to clean it. I have a bad habit of taking off my shoes at my desk, I'll admit. Then he said he was giving me a "blogging assignment" to list every single thing that is on my office floor, so here goes:

7 pairs of shoes
4 pairs of boots
1 pair of slippers
1 belt (brown)
1 The Commercial Appeal (Wednesday edition)
1 box manila file folders
1 lap top bag (black)
7 books that I've finished reading
3 small empty gift/shopping bags (1 from Benefit and 2 from events I attended)
1 laundry basket (empty)
1 large plastic container lid (blue)
1 box (empty), on top of which is piled half a load of clean laundry (towels & sheets)
1 box with the remains of my last office job
1 Victoria's Secret catalog
1 mouse pad
1 nail file (black)
1 owner's info packet to DVD player
1 shoulder bag (leather, black)
1 list of the Chronicles of Narnia books (in order)

Not visible [on the futon]:
1 swim suit (top half only)
1 sweatshirt (blue striped)
1 basketball jersey (green)
1 small pile of clean laundry (1 shorts, 1 boxers, 1 chic beater)
1 skirt laid out flat to avoid wrinkles (pink)
1 Victoria's Secret packing slip

The Love that (almost) Brought Down a Kingdom

Big Daddy & I rented "Tristan + Isolde" last night, starring that guy from Freaks & Geeks. I was familiar with the names (common crossword clue: 6-letter word for "Tristan's love"), but not the story. And I'm into knowing things like that.

I actually liked it. The story contained just enough twists and turns to keep it interesting. Big Daddy only liked the fighting scenes and disappeared into his office during the mushy middle part. I was not aware that there was a time that Ireland actually "ruled" over Brittania. You only ever hear the other side of the story, when Ireland was trying to get out from under the English.

But what is this story anyway? History? Myth? Legend, like Camelot? Any Brits out there that can fill me in?

Thursday, April 27, 2006

The perfect dinner

Cheap, easy and delish. The whole family agrees: I AM THE CROCKPOT QUEEN.

Butter Beef
3 lbs. beef stew meat
1 stick butter
1 envelope Lipton onion soup mix

Cook in slow cooker for 8 hours on low or 4-5 hours on high. Serve over egg noodles.

This morning's headlines

Idol Talk: So long, Pickler. Take your blue eye shadow and go home.

Seriously? Wa-wa-wait....the president named someone from the White House press corps to be the new press secretary?? Is this normal operating procedure?

Talk Amongst Yourselves: Did you see Ann Curry's interview with Angelina on Today this morning? Do you think she was wearing make up (Angelina, I mean)? I could see a little eye liner, mascara, lip gloss - but was that all? Was there base, cover-up, blush, highlighter?

Morning laugh: The Tom Cruise exercise video. Stay tuned for a 26-minute version of this spoof, a "Tomarathon," so to speak.

Doctor, Doctor: Do you ever get ER's Mikhi Phifer and House's Omar Epps confused?

Makeup Meltdown? Have you seen the L'Oreal Infallible TV spots with Milla Jovovich? (Sorry, I couldn't find video of the spots, only the print ads.) She's never struck me as exceptionally beautiful but I think she looks A. MAZE. ZING in these ads. Especially in the white turtleneck. I like her hair short. I would cut my hair if I could look like that.

Running up the iTunes bill: Today I'll be listening to newly downloaded: The L Word Season 3 (both discs); The Dixie Chicks "Landslide"; Elvis Costello "God Give Me Strength"; Old school U2 (from War and Unforgettable Fire)

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Health update

I've been on the antibiotics two days (I have to take it for seven) and the pain in my back is starting to spread around toward the front. It's into my side now. This is not a good sign, and to tell you the truth, I'm a little scared.

I used to be such a drama queen that I always hoped for the worst. Seriously. I cherished the thought of being in the hospital - good drugs, everyone feeling sorry for me, taking care of me. But that is not the case today. I must be growing up or something. I still really, really hope this will turn out to be a kidney infection and not stones.

Nevertheless, I have prepared a list of phone numbers of people Big Daddy will need to call. I'm preparing for the worst, but hoping for the best, as they say.

You send me all your healthy wishes and I'll be sure to let you know if I have to make an ER run.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Live Blogging AI

First, let me just start right out saying that I CAN NOT BELIEVE that they got Andrea Bocelli and David Foster. I mean, this is some real true talent now and I realize that the show is raking in the big ratings but I believe the producers must be turning out some big bucks to bring in names like this.

(Did I ever tell you that I worked with David Foster? Not as a singer, but in my professional PR career. He produced a celebrity gala show for St. Jude. He's awesome. I was hanging out backstage with him and this girl who is the top AIDS researcher, and she said, "David, what are you going to do to help fight AIDS?" and he said, "Practice monogamy.")

She sounded better in the rehearsals when she was casually singing opera with Andrea. The judges are ragging her choice of song. I don't think that's it. I think - like Paula said - she didn't sing in her true voice. She was putting on this fakeness (what was up with the whole angry female angst routine, Alanis?); "cabaret," Simon called it and I think he was dead on. She could have done better. She didn't seem to be concentrating on her vocals as she should have been. Waving at the camera and shit. Humph.

Commercial break: I'm so over the Lindsay Ho-han flicks, but have you seen the trailers for this new one? "Just My Luck" or whatever? That little blonde who played Seth's love interest in the first? or second? season of The OC - the quirky chick from Pittsburgh? She's in it and good for her b/c I adore her.

I know what it's like to have a favorite song that you've waited your whole life to sing on stage. I have songs like that....OMG is Paula crying?? THERE'S NO CRYING IN IDOL!! Elliott is an awesome singer. But I didn't really like the song. I couldn't follow it. I think he has a brilliant career ahead of him as an easy listening singer.

Note to Pickler on the look: we haven't worn our hair puffed up like that since the mid-90s and the brown blush makes you look bruised. Ha! Did you see in the rehearsal film how David Foster was looking at her with his mouth hanging open like he couldn't even believe what he was being forced to listen to? OK, if the judges don't tell her this week that she's "pitchy" they are all drunk. Finally - monotonous, bland, robotic. Thank you, Simon.

Commercial break: I have a hobby of picking out celebrity voice over in ads. Case in point: "Nasonex," spoken quite sexily by none other than - Antonio Banderas.

Oh be still my heart. She is singing Queen Babs. This may be the performance of the year in my book. Let's see how she does....Okay, it was good. Strong. Very strong. I wish she would sing it straighter. (And get the words right, sheesh.) I just don't like all the warbling around they do on this show. Maybe that's what Paula means by "oversinging" it. The last 30 seconds were better.

Commercial break: If you're not watching "House," you're missing the best show on TV. Really, stay tuned. You'll see. Best Episode Ever: rent Season 1 and watch the one where he substitute-teaches the medical class and you find out what happened to his leg. The writers won an Emmy for that ep.

Just Once? Wait a sec....wasn't this the theme to my senior prom? I think it was. And look - he's wearing a velveteen tuxedo (which, BTW, I think was the name of my favorite children's book). He must be having prom relapses of his own. How hard is it to sing this song? Even so, he's having some pitch issues. "Weird karaoke," said Dawg. "Handsome as heck," gushed Paula. "Hotel lounge performance," griped Simon. And I say, "Told ya."

Commercial break: I totally want to see that gymnastics movie "Stick It." I don't even know why. I just do.

David Foster thought Chris was singing from "here" (motion to Adam's apple) which has always bothered me about him. Love the singing-from-the-floor exercise. Now you get to see a sneak peak into the secret world of singers. Yes, we really do shit like that. Erm...did the back up singer's voice just crack? That's never good. But Chris sounded great. What a good song choice for him. I have a feeling he'll eventually win it all.

My Picks:
Bottom three: Pickler, McPhee, Elliott (sorry, E.)
Going home: The Pickster (don't let the door hitcha in the ass, bay-bee)

The ongoing saga of the coffeemaker

Chapter One: The Coffeemaker
I travel to St. Louis to visit my friend, and she serves me really yummy coffee from this pod coffeemaker. It is a very enjoyable discovery as I have heretofore been able to only enjoy lattes and not regular drip coffee.

Chapter Two: My Coffeemaker
I come home, and decide I can save a lot of money at Starbucks if I purchase myself one of these coffeemakers. Whilst doing my regular Super Target shopping, I purchase the coffeemaker (~$60) as well as several bags of the "pod" coffee. I throw away the box as well as the receipt.

Chapter Three: My Defective Coffeemaker
Two weeks after I buy the coffeemaker, it stops working. Lights blink but no coffee makes. I call the 800-number in the owners manual. She takes tons of information from me - everything short of my SSN which I have enough sense not to give out. Then she tells me that my coffeemaker is defective and I can do one of two things:
1) take it back to the store where I purchased it
2) cut off the bottom 4 inches of the cord, send it in to them, along with a check or money order for $10 to cover shipping and handling, and they'll send me a replacement! She said to make sure and put the transaction number (which she provided me) on my check.

Well, I don't really think that Target's going to take it back without the box OR a receipt, but Big Daddy made a big stink about paying another $10 for a product when it wasn't OUR fault that the damn thing didn't work.

Chapter Four: Target Says NO
I make Big Daddy go to Target with me to try & return it because he's much more forceful than I am. But, as I suspected, without either the original packaging or the receipt they wouldn't take it. Even though all we wanted to do was exchange it. I thought there was a chance they would at least let us exchange it. I guess they've tightened up their exchange policy these days. We go without coffee for several days.

Chapter Five: I RULE!!
Enough of this shit. I go to Target and buy a new coffeemaker. Now I have a box AND a receipt. I take it home, put it out on the counter, and put the old, broken one in the new, perfect one's box. A couple days later, I return the old one and get my $60 back. There's more than one way to exchange a coffeemaker, yo.

Chapter Six: More Coffeemakers
I get an email from a company called Fox International that says, "Your package was shipped on 2006-04-20 via R P S. Delivery is expected within 1-5 days. The tracking number is 012346789. Thank you for the order."

So I kindly email back, "yeah, I have a question....what did I order from you????"

And they email me again, "This is a warranty replacement Black & Decker coffee maker. Thank you."

So apparently, even though I never sent in my cord or the $10 check, they had my mailing address and were sending the replacement anyway! Rock on. I didn't mention it to anyone here, nor did I respond to the email.

Chapter Seven: A Regular Glut of Coffeemakers
My Kid brings in a box and says, "Why'd we get a new coffeemaker?"

And I'm all, "Dude, they sent us a replacement!!" I offer to take it back to Target and get yet another refund (equals free coffeemaker!) but Big Daddy said, "Just keep it; eventually the one we have will break, too." which I doubt, but OK.

The End
(so far)

I'm a good sharer

I have two (2) very valuable things to share with you this morning. I'm not sure which one I'm more excited about. You'll see what I mean:

Number One:
Awesomely Sinful and Delicious Brownie Pie To Die For
Cream together:
1 1/2 sticks butter
1 1/2 cups sugar
3 eggs
3/4 cup flour
3 Tbsp cocoa
1 tsp vanilla + 1 tsp bourbon
1/2 tsp salt
3/4 cup pecans (optional)
1 cup semisweet chocolate chips

Cook in greased pie pan at 350 for 30-40 minutes. Serve warm with vanilla ice cream.

Also, in my experience, very good with a cup of coffee for breakfast. Or a glass of milk for lunch.

Number Two:
All Sesame All the Time
This site has posted all these great, classic Sesame Street video clips. Tons of them. Like that pinball song "One two three four five, six seven eight nine ten, ELEVEN TWELVE." Although I think the poster must be younger than I am, because her idea of "classic Sesame Street" and my idea of "classic Sesame Street" are slightly different. (Anyone else out there remember in the 70s when they used the pop songs "Up, Up and Away" and "Yellow Submarine"???). Still you gotta love some "Beetles" singing "Letter B" with your morning....brownie pie.

Monday, April 24, 2006

Catching you up in theoretical bullet points since the real ones don't actually show up

Friday evening was the local PR awards. I saw Snidget there. This was the first time in eight years that I didn't have work entered, but since I'm freelancing, I figured it's important for me to keep my face out there. Amy from my old agency had work entered but no one from the agency - none of her bosses - came with her. I thought that was pretty shitty. So I told her I'd meet her there.

While I was getting ready to go, my phone rang three times - people calling me to tell me the news from the hospital where I used to work. Remember the asshole who was always bad-mouthing me, and then his wife got the director position that was supposed to be my job? They're leaving. Not just leaving the hospital, leaving town. Moving. It occurred to me that after this awards dinner, I'd never have to lay eyes on them again. JOY!

I hadn't been in the room five minutes when someone I know came up to me and said, "I need to know how to get in touch with you. There have been some job opportunities that you'd be perfect for but I didn't know how to reach you." As I gave him my cell number, he told me there's a great job open right now at H------ Corporation. I know this job. This is a REALLY GREAT JOB.

Saturday I lounged around and made a chocolate cake. And updated my resume.

Sunday we went to My Kid's soccer game. I thought I'd wear a little off-the-shoulder top so I could get some sun! Foolishly, I sat out in the mid-day sun with absolutely no sun screen for two hours and ended up quite sunburned....on my left shoulder and down the left shin of my right leg. Swell.

Today I went to my friend Arlene's to lay out. I slathered 30 SPF on the parts that were already burned and this time used 8 SPF over the rest of me. We stayed out several hours. I'm slightly overdone, but not bad. Start of a good tan.

Then I went to the doctor b/c I think I have a kidney infection. It started hurting me Friday evening but I don't have any other symptoms. But the doctor didn't think I have any signs of infection. She thinks I probably have a kidney stone! Oh great! She gave me a script for an antibiotic and said, "If it's an infection, it will get better. If it's a kidney stone, it will get worse."


So I said, "What should I do then?" and she said, "When it gets really bad, go to the hospital."


She said, "Women who have had natural childbirth and kidney stones say the kidney stones are worse. At the hospital they'll give you the good drugs."

I suddenly find myself in the odd position of hoping I have an infection.

Thursday, April 20, 2006

A MEME I can get behind

Amanda over at Mandajuice has a pretty funny list of "totally harmless, yet UNBELIEVABLY ANNOYING things" her husband does which I thought seemed awfully....familiar.

1. Big Daddy has apparently lived his whole life (36 years) without ever learning to close a dresser drawer. Ever. Not one. It's a wonder the damn thing doesn't tip over.
2. He dips Copenhagen [not totally harmless, actually] and spits into empty plastic soda or gatorade bottles (not the annoying part yet) which he then rinses out periodically in the downstairs bathroom sink. Ga-ross. I'm all, throw the damn thing away! God, like there aren't an unending supply of plastic bottles.
3. He'll get undressed anywhere and drop socks, shorts, shirts on the floor right there - living room, bathroom, his office. If he happens to keep his clothing on long enough to make it to the bedroom, he drops them on the floor on his side of the bed. Which happens to be right next to the laundry hamper. Now seriously. Does it take ANY more effort to just drop them in the basket instead of on the floor? NO. IT DOES NOT. But do you think I can get him to do that? NO. I CAN NOT.
4. If the kitchen trash is full, he piles trash on the counter next to it instead of just emptying the trash.
5. In general, he thinks we have a maid to come along behind him and clean up. Dirty dishes? On the counter, or in the sink. Never rinsed and put into the dishwasher.
6. When the doorbell rings he looks at me and asks, "Who is that?" like I'm fucking psychic or something.
7. He listens to the tv soooo loud. And watches movies super loud. And god, don't even get me started on those damn shoot-em-up XBox games. He spends all day on conference calls on the speaker phone in his office which reverberate throughout the house and make it impossible to even watch tv downstairs in the living room. I think he should get his hearing checked. I mean RIDICULOUSLY, MIND-BLOWINGLY LOUD.
8. He sleeps in shifts. OK, not really annoying but weird anyway and I thought you should know. He'll take a three- or four-hour nap around five or six in the evening. Then he gets up and works again and plays XBox and goes back to bed around 3 a.m. for another four- or five-hour shift.
9. He teaches our son names like "cockknocker" which they then call people while they're playing XBox live. Such a good influence.
10. He has absolutely no knowledge - even the slightest sense of - classics.
11. He never makes our bed, annoyance of which is amplified by the fact the "making our bed" involves one step (ONE) - pulling the comforter up over the mattress. It takes less than 15 seconds. And he's almost always the last one out of if (see #8).
12. He doesn't wash his hands NEAR ENOUGH.
13. He drinks ENTIRELY TOO MANY sugar-free Rock Stars. The smell of which is totally nauseating.
14. When I get My Kid up and ready for school, it includes:
-- going in his room and waking him up; rubbing/scratching his back a little to get him going.
-- turning the shower on (his sign to get up)
-- going downstairs to make breakfast (he doesn't eat cereal so this may include scrambling eggs, making french toast, heating up frozen waffles, microwaving bacon.)
-- talking to him and watching the Today show with him while he eats.
-- making sure all school dress codes are applied (this usually involves: "Where's your belt?")
-- helping him get his backpack together (dude, it's insurance. Otherwise who knows what he'd forget.)
-- giving him a hug and kiss goodbye and sending him off with, "Study hard! Learn lots! Make good choices!"
Occasionally, when I was still working, Big Daddy would take on the responsibility of getting My Kid up for school - say, if I was sick, or left before he got up or had the day off or didn't have to get up for some reason. When Big Daddy gets My Kid up for school, it includes:
-- screaming "KID! GET UP!" from his bed until he hears Kid's shower running.
-- going back to sleep
I imagine this is far more annoying to My Kid than it is to me.

Your turn. I dare you.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Best chic beater ever

I highly recommend this ribbed tank from my friend Vicky for easy casual summerwear. Comes in a ton of colors - there's a hue to go with every summer skirt you own plus black and white. They're thick and they're conservative enough to wear a bra under (a must for us D girls). And if you buy two, they're only 12 bucks a piece. Go buy some now.


Monday, April 17, 2006

Summertime and the livin' is quesy

I personally never went to Summer Camp. I don't think. I mean, I know for sure that I never went to sleep-away camp. I'm not really sure how I spent my summers when I was a kid. Roller skating and playing "Little House on the Prairie" and begging my mom to take us to the pool, I imagine.

My Kid used to go to summer camps when I was working full time and he was younger. I think it's been two summers since he's gone. He went to the general day camps that are full of activities and swimming and games and field trips and then I think he did a couple of weeks here and there of specialized camps - sports mostly but there was one summer when he did a couple weeks at the zoo.

The general camps got old to him after a while. They were fun enough, but it kind of sucked that he still had to get up early and be gone all day when he was supposed to be on summer vacay.

A couple years ago we began letting him stay home in the summer. We'd moved out to the suburbs, so there were kids around, it was safe, plenty of moms stayed home. Big Daddy was working partly from home. We got My Kid a cell phone and stayed in close contact with him.

But now it seems like even that is wearing thin. I already hear him complaining about being bored on the weekends. In a perfect world, all the kids on the cove would be home every day and they would play baseball and swim and when it got too too hot they'd come in where it's air conditioned and play XBox.

But a lot of the boys on the street play competitive baseball, so they're not around a lot. And that one boy, seems like he's always on restriction for one thing or another.

The local paper has a huge database of all the local summer camps. I hinted to him that maybe a week here or there would take the edge off the summer boredom. Now that I'm not working, a lot more options would be open to him, because a lot of them are like 11-4 or noon to 3. He blew me off like some kind of pre-teenager.

I looked through the list today, thinking there might be SOMETHING that could sway him. But they're all so sucky. Every single camp falls under one of these categories:

1. Sports (baseball, soccer, basketball, and a few volleyball thrown in for good measure)
2. Crafts (may be fun if you're SIX)
3. Fairy princess/ballet/dance/hip-hop/cheer (LOTS of these)
4. Horseback riding
5. Geeky clubs (chess, computer - stuff he likes, but NOT stuff he wants to sit with a group and participate in for even one week)
6. Photo/Video production (which would be cool, but the ages are like 6-12.)
7. Nature camps (see "Crafts" above)

Where are all the camps for 12- to 14-year-old boys?? Where are the camps where you play laser tag all day, or learn to do ollies on your skateboard, or battle other kids in NCAA March Madness 2005?? Sheesh. My Kid is facing the black hole of summer vacation and none of the marketers seem to be noticing. Am I on to something here?

Saturday, April 15, 2006

It's such a tragedy

Tonight I came to the stark realization that I am married to a man, and mother to a child, both of whom think the movie quote "The snozzberries taste like snozzberries!" came from the movie Super Troopers.

Kids today, I swear.

Friday, April 14, 2006

Ma'am, would you open your purse please?

Carmen wants to know what's in my purse. Especially the "hidden" stuff. As I mentioned in her comments, I actually change purses a lot, so nothing really has time to accumulate or surprise.

  • wallet - just an old checkbook cover, actually, with slits in the cover for drivers license, credit cards, Blockbuster ID card, etc. I keep paper money under the little flap and use the old check register to scribble notes to myself.
  • Neutragena lip balm
  • Mac lip liner
  • lip gloss
  • contact drops
  • leather change purse
  • iPod nano (w/ear pods)
  • cell phone
  • red sharpie - a must for shopping (marking things off my list)
  • yellow highlighter pen - you never know when you might need to highlight something
  • blue ballpoint pen
  • pocket edition AA Big Book/12&12 combination with snap closure (in tan)
  • business card holder with insurance card, voter registration card, library card, DSW frequent shopper card, etc.
  • car key
  • Ray Ban sunglasses w/pink lenses (in glasses case)
  • couple of OB tampons (in the zipper pocket in the back)

(Let's hope my bullets show up this time.)

Thursday, April 13, 2006

And it probably gets like 2 mpg, too

Have you seen the ads for this new Robin Williams movie? In the ads, he complains how his family watches four separate televisions and IM each other when dinner is ready.

It's too bad that this looks to be a silly slapstick comedy where they battle vicious raccoons in the wild and no doubt there will be some camper toilet humor, because this movie is my life.

We all watch separate TVs. While on computers. We don't IM each other (often) but I have been known to call downstairs on the second phone line. And a couple years ago, Big Daddy got this same crazy fucking idea in his head. Which My Kid totally bought into.

Number of Household members: 3
Number of TVs: 5
Number of Laptop computers: 3
Number of Desktop computers: 2
Number of Telephones (line 1): 4
Number of Telephones (line 2): 2
Number of Cellphones: 4
Number of Blackberries: 1
Number of people who think an RV as a second home is the ultimate investment: 1
Number of people who think traveling crosscountry in an RV would be "a blast": 2
Number of people who also enjoy fishing as a hobby: 2
Number of people who refuse to stay in anything that doesn't have a spa bathroom and room service: 1

Bye-Bye Bucky

Well, I got two out of three right on my prediction for the bottom three. But the one I left out was the one who went home, so I don't have a whole lot of bragging room.

I haven't really watched enough to make a generalized judgment on the boy. I thought he sounded good on Tuesday, not so good last night when he repeated his Queen song. Southern rock is not really my scene, so maybe he'll be successful yet in his own genre. Personally, I find him no more or less appealing than that Bo Bice guy.

I didn't see all the family presentations since I only just tuned in for the last half-hour. But didn't you think it was weird how much Ace's brother looked EXACTLY LIKE HIM?? I kept waiting for them to say they were twins, but then they said that Ace was the youngest of five brothers. BTW, he looks an awful lot like Big Daddy's nephew in Albuquerque. Not that that pertains to anything we're talking about, I just keep thinking it every time I see him smile. Hey! I know! How about a Bad English night?? Maybe get John Waite as the musical guest? No? Okay, Rod Stewart and musical standards it is then. Sounds painful. Terribly, terribly painful. I just keep picturing Pickler trying to scat her way through some Hoagy Carmichael or something. *shudder*

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Upon further reflection....

  • And having listened to Queen on the old iPod today, I have come to the conclusion that I was waaaaaay too easy on those AI kids last night. They all suck. If any one of 'em had a real voice they'd have sung "The Game." But did they? No! And you know why? Because they all suck! And it's a CONTEST for pete's sake! How come no one had the balls to sing "I Want it All (and I Want it Now)"???
  • Stripper shoes or not, I've decided I LIKE being 5'7.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

A Night at the Opera (well...not quite)

Curiosity got the best of me, so I watched. However, I DVR'ed it and only watched the performances. I fast-forwarded over all the other crap. Here are my thoughts:

Bucky - Fat Bottomed Girls
This turned out to be a really good song for him. Randy called it "rocking country" and I have to say, it was quite a foot-tapping performance. He needed to go somewhere on the long note of "Oh" that starts out each line of the song; I felt like it was a little dead. You can't hold a note that long and not go somewhere with it. But overall, I liked it. I did. B+

Ace - We Will Rock You
Do you get the feeling that he only chose this song because he knew the audience would sing and clap along with it? (Note to Ace: If you're going to wear leather pants, make sure they fit correctly.) I agree with Randy: this is a BIG SONG and frankly, you're no Freddie Mercury. C-

Pickler - Bohemian Rhapsody
It's probably the only Queen song this girl has ever heard. "Nothing really matters to me." Not even singing on pitch, apparently. I don't understand why none of the judges mentioned it. She wasn't just "pitchy," as they like to say, she was way, way off pitch. F

Chris - Innuendo
Does everything he sings have to come out sounding like a Pearl Jam song? Sheesh. It was all right, but it lacked the melodic Freddie Mercury sound that made him such a musical genius. Simon was right - this guy's supposed to have the killer rocker voice, he could have done something great with I Want it All or One Vision or something. C

McPhee - Who Wants to Live Forever
I'll be honest with you - I fast-forwarded over her. It was killing me. I just couldn't listen to her massacre the music. No grade

Eliott - Somebody to Love
He did pretty good. It's a hard song to sing. He would have impressed me if he'd gone for the high note on "every"-body. Too much Mariah Carey warbling brought him down from a B. C+

Taylor - Crazy Little Thing Called Love
Dude, quit doing that chicken dance thing with your legs. It got a lot better the further into he got. I actually enjoyed the last 45 seconds or so. I think the whole 50s-jive thing made him seem older but overall a lot of fun and a solid performance. B-

Paris - The Show Must Go On
Definitely the best female performance of the night. It reminded me of something....I just can't place it. Thought she looked good and sounded great. B+

So there you have it. Bucky and Paris gave the best performances of the night, I think. Who should be in the bottom three: Pickler, McPhee, Ace. Who will be in the bottom three: Ace, Eliott, Paris.

I can Name That Tune in one click

Don't you hate when you hear a song on a TV show and you really like it, but you have no idea what it is? Well, there's a very handy resource called TuneFind where you can find songs and music used in movies and on TV.

Like, for instance, I was wondering what song the Foo Fighters played on The West Wing last week when we missed the first half of Election Night due to killer tornados in the viewing area. The West Wing is one of the shows in their dropdown menu entitled "Browse Shows," so I selected it and there it was - "No Way Back" and "Miracle."

And yo, Carmen, Grey's Anatomy is on the list as well.

This Morning's Headlines

Happy 150th Birthday! Would you want to live to be 150? Personally, it sounds exhausting to me.

Return to Sanity: Gilmore Girls reruns are back on ABCFamily at 9:30 a.m. central time. Yea.

To Shout Out or Not Shout Out? If I were a designer, I'd sue Melanie Griffith if she DID mention my name.

Too Much Chocolate? I made this cake last night and man, is it good. (I already had a piece for breakfast.)

Shake That Thing: My shoes have been delivered, and they're pretty high (4.75" heel with 1.50" platform). I fear they look like stripper shoes but I haven't quite made up my mind yet.

File Under: DUH. Britney...losing her sex appeal??? You don't say.

Killer Queen: AI is doing Queen tonight, which, as you know, is one of my all-time favorite bands. (Freddie Mercury was a musical genius.) I can't decide if I want to watch out of curiosity or if it will give me nightmares for the rest of my born life.

All Grown Up: When My Kid doesn't like what I cook for dinner, he now goes into the kitchen and makes himself a peanut butter sandwich. I love that. Also? He's mowing the yard this summer. For 20 bucks.

Should I be Worried? I've used this contact solution for years.

When Your Head Gets Bigger than the Mascot's. After six years and six million dollars, and finally being able to boast a "national program," our coach may be dumping us for NC State. Because $1.3 M a year isn't enough I guess. Apparently he needs $2.2 and a major conference. Bastard.

Monday, April 10, 2006

I have this friend...

No, really I do. This isn't about me (for once).

My friend has two teenage sons, ages 17 and 15. The younger is paraplegic and confined to a wheelchair.

Her older son has a job and will be working at it full time once school gets out. She really wants to find some work for her 15-y-o this summer, partly b/c she doesn't want him sitting home alone playing video games all summer, and partly b/c it would be good for his self-esteem if he were able to earn some money.

Trouble is, she hasn't been able to come up with anything that he could do. If he were 16, the ADA would see that he could sell tickets at the movie theater or whatever. And the kinds of jobs 15-year-olds are doing, like mowing lawns or babysitting, he's unable to do.

So I thought I'd put it out there for you to consider. I've got a lot of smart readers and maybe some of you might have an idea. Thanks for your help.

Saturday, April 08, 2006

Stupid Girl

I remember thinking when I watched the Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards that if the winners are going to lean over and slap the fans' hands when they come out, then they probably shouldn't wear such short dresses.

Apparently someone forgot to tell Lindsdy Ho-han that, since photos of her "ass-slip" are now all over the internet.

You just know Pink's all like, "I am SO putting that in my next video!"

Friday, April 07, 2006

Where do you go, when the world don't treat you right? (answer below)

I love to watch ABCFamily in the afternoons. First, there's the Gilmore Girls at 4, and thank god! they haven't replaced this one with any crappy sitcoms yet. Then you get two full hours!! of the longest-running wholesome family fare available on TV today: 7th Heaven.

This show features the Camden family of nine (nine!!) and has everything you could possibly want in television entertainment: love (lots of love), compassion, moral dilemmas, children making bad choices (in order to learn valuable lessons from their mistakes, duh), adorable babies, heightened overreaction to misbehaviors, supremely bad acting, a dog named "Happy" and Jessica Biel. Plus:

  • A dad who's also a minister and comes straight out of Fatherknowsbestland, which is kind of funny since he also played Dianne Keaton's ex in the First Wives Club.
  • A mom who seems to be teetering on the very verge of sanity, but the woman has spent over four years of her life pregnant so I'm cutting her some slack.
  • An oldest son who never seems to move out and perpetually needs a haircut.
  • Two teenage daughters who are obsessed with getting married. Ob. Sessed.
  • A second son who, when he gets to be a teenager and gets his drivers license, kills a kid on a bicycle. Of course it turns out that the teen on the bike was high and not wearing a helmet and it was all his fault anyway, but you can only imagine the hours and hours of family trauma that ensued.
  • One smart, precocious younger daughter who seems to be the only voice of reason in the family, but that's probably because she hasn't started dating yet.
  • Twin baby boys who are right up there with Michelle Tanner when it comes to reciting lines on cue.
Plus, all their kids have Biblical names, save one: Matt, Mary, Simon, Ruthie, Samuel, David. I don't know what happened with Lucy.

"The answer is HOOOOOOME!!
That's the one place that you'll find
7th Heaven"

Thursday, April 06, 2006


I am loving the skinny jeans. This look is H U G E in Europe. All the Brits are wearing them. Here's what you need to know:

- First, you gotta have the gams. These jeans are nothing if not unforgiving.
- Some are tighter than others so do your homework and look around.

How Not to Wear Them
- Don't roll them up.
- Don't let them fall down over and cover up your shoes. Much preferred that they bunch up a little at the ankles.
- Don't do anything weird with them. As a rule, just don't copy anything you see Sienna Miller do.
- Personally, I don't wear anything that I already wore in 1983.

- Wear them with heels - wedges look great! - or flats.
- Heels will make the legs look even longer and skinnier.
- Try red, white, or metallic shoes to draw additional attention to your feet and legs.
- For a casual look, skinny jeans look darling with your converse tennies. Very Keira Knightly.
- Lots of celebs are wearing them tucked into boots (not a summer look, obviously) but keep in mind it will cut your legs off and defeat any lengthening.

- Clean and dark is the way to go. Distressed is out. As is embellishment.
- White is really cute for summer and definitely on my wish list.

What to Wear on Top
- A little tank top is very rock-n-roll. Think Courtney Cox in the Dancing in the Dark video.
- Blouson on top is very popular, but that comes with a whole set of its own rules. Note how this woman's blousey top nips in at the waist (a good thing). Blouson isn't really a good look for busty women.
- Wear a longer top if your bum has seen a few too many Krispy Kremes.

What to Do Now
- StairStepper
- Squats


Shake-up at TODAY

I was not surprised that Katie took the CBS Evening News position. She's probably sick and tired of getting up at 2 o'clock in the morning and I think that a journalist sees the evening news gig as the ultimate goal. I remember Katie on the morning of 9-11 and I think she did an admirable job during that time of crisis. I'm not sure how she'll do day after day with no jovialness though. On Today, she giggles on a regular basis, which has contributed to her "perky" reputation. So maybe she took the CBS job in an attempt to change her image a bit.

At any rate, who even watches the evening news anymore? Do you? Do working people even get home in time to watch the evening news? I never did.

Now this news comes out this afternoon, and I gotta say, I am surprised by this one. 1) I was actually pulling for Campbell Brown. Or even Natalie Morales. Or Ann Curry. and 2) I kind of hoped that NBC would choose a minority journalist.

I don't have an opinion on Viera because I've not really seen her in action. I despise The View with every fiber of my being. All those women yelling over each other. Ugh. Just the fact that she comes from there starts me out a bit biased against here.

I've been watching Today since Jane Pauley and Bryant Gumbel sat on that couch. I don't know if I'll stick with it through this change or not. That's yet to be seen.

THIS can't be right!

Yet another reason why I don't do reality shows.

Maybe this will be the year that a non-winner ends up a bigger recording star than the winner.

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Phenomena (ba-teep-ah-tee-pee)

If you were up a little past 1 a.m. this morning, you might have noticed that the time/day stamp looked like this:

01:02:03 04/05/06

(This information will impress the hell out of your pre-teen. Well, it did mine. )

If you can tell me how often this phenomena occurs, you are obviously a mathematical genius and I will send you FABULOUS PRIZES! Ha. Okay, not really. No prizes. But you will impress the hell out of me as I have already displayed that I am arithmetic-challenged.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

I'm sorry to admit this

But I watched American Idol tonight. You almost have to, since it will be EVERYWHERE tomorrow no matter if you go for traditional media or blogs.

I have gone on record that I patently refuse to watch reality TV. Although My Kid & I have jumped on the Amazing Race bandwagon this season and I really do like that show because it is actually entertaining, but more than that, it's not about bullshit relationships and cattiness and bitchiness between the participants but it's actually about the action of the show. So I make an allowance for that.

And I do watch the auditions at the beginning of the AI season because it's so fucking hilarious when they show all those people who apparently truly believe that they have musical abilities. Freaks! They're all FREAKS! And who isn't entertained by a good freak show now and then?

So here's my take on the contestants. Keep in mind that this is the only performance I have seen so I have no depth on which to make my judgments. But you must know by now that superficial judgments of other people are my favorite kind.

1. That gray-haired guy - I think I remember him from the auditions. I know he's got his own personal following (I'm guessing they're women age 40-55) but I thought his voice was really weak. Maybe it was his song choice.

(As a side note, "Country Roads" was one of our favorite songs to sing in the car when I was a kid, and one of the only ones that didn't come from the orange Mormon Primary songbook. I'm not even sure how it is that we learned this secular, worldly song.)

2. Mandisa - she's from Nashville, you know. I think she's a goddess. How can she NOT win this contest?

3. Elliott - or, as I like to call him, Vibrato Guy. Even Kenny Rogers told him to sing the notes more straight. And dude, when Kenny Rogers is telling you to tone it down....I'm just sayin'.

4. Paris - I totally remember her from the auditions. How can you not? That speaking voice....that singing voice....the odd fact that they reside in the same body. I think she's incurably cute but why does she pronounce her words so weirdly when she sings?

5. Creepy Ace - if this guy tried to talk to pick me up in a bar, I wouldn't hesitate to call security. I realize some he may appeal to some people but yikes. I think he's creepy. He reminds me of that one guy last time who was always doing that creepy tongue thing. Also, he has trouble holding a note at one pitch. I was all, "Dude, find a pitch you like and go with it."

6. Kellie Pickler - spare me. Vote her off on the grounds that she's a complete idiot and thus does not get to represent the American anything.

7. Chris - I would probably like Chris, only I got biased to him when he got all that publicity for his excellent rendition of Johnny Cash's "Walk the Line" and then it turned out that he was really just singing the rock band Live's version of the song. And, umm, have you compared the two singers? I'm assuming no one's ever seen them both in the same room at the same time.

7. Katharine McPhee - (for the record, yes, I had to look up these names on the American Idol web site. Except for Mandisa.) OK, first, the way you spell your name is stupid. I realize that that was your parents' doing and not yours, but now that you're older? Change it. Secondly, I hate you and the way you sing. You are the epitome of the AI screaming divas that turned me off this show during Kelly Clarkson's reign.

8. Bucky - Did I ever tell you that my high school boyfriend's name was Bucky? Oh yeah. He, however, was not a country music singer. And this guy is. I guess. He does nothing for me. The end.

That's all I got. You have a favorite? Do you even watch?

Apparently, ABCFamily forgot to "spring forward"

At 9:30 a.m. CDT, I turned to ABCFamily, as I always do at that time on weekdays, to watch a rerun of Gilmore Girls, and lo! There were no Girls. There was only Step by Step. Because, apparently, The Man from Atlantis and Bobby Ewing weren't resume enough for Patrick Duffy - he had to go and make a Brady Bunch-inspired sitcom with Suzanne "Thigh Master" Sommers from whence they could torture us into eternity through cable syndication.

And also? Slater? Playing a doctor on The Bold and The Beautiful? Sorry, CBS Daytime, I ain't buying it.

Monday, April 03, 2006

Thoughts on DST

  1. Yes, I remembered, even though I was practically almost deathly ill.
  2. You don't really miss the hour if you sleep the entire weekend anyway.
  3. Clocks that change automatically like on the laptop and the cable box are GENIUS and show brilliant American technology in action.
  4. Since, for the last 2 months, the sun had been waking me up 30 minutes before the alarm went off, I'm actually kind of glad that DST is here.
  5. The clock in my car is now correct once again.

My search for the black summer shoe

(Note: Pardon my recent absence [duly noted, Carmen]. I have had a cold. Everyone in my household is sick. My Kid is just getting over it; I am in the throes of it; Big Daddy is coming down with it. I spent all weekend in bed - literally. Except for the one time I got out to make a pitiful run to Walgreens, where I spent $70 on Advil Cold & Sinus, nose spray, tissues, cough syrup, sprite and chicken noodle soup.)

Shopping in this town is such a drag. I know what I want - I just can't find it anywhere. It happens to me all the time and it is so frustrating! Luckily, there's the internet, where I (sometimes) have better luck.

Today I was looking for a pair of black shoes. You wouldn't think this would be too difficult; my requirements are pretty basic:
1. Black
2. Open-toed
3. Fabric (not leather)
4. Some sort of ankle strap (not a slide)
5. Rope or cork wedge heel
6. Cute (of course)

I found a couple pairs I liked, but they didn't come in black. Black espadrilles? All closed-toed. A few others were cute, but the cork heels weren't wedges. I mean, WTF? All these characteristics are right in style this season! Why can't I find them all in one shoe?

I tell you, I looked everywhere, too, from the chi-chi boutiques to the mall to the discount stores. How sad is that?

So finally I came home and looked online. I found three pairs I liked, and I copied and pasted photos of each of them into one document so that I could compare and contrast them. Yes, shopping is an art and a talent, and it should not be entered into lightly. I decided, upon ponderous deliberation, on these. Only, when I went to order them, the smallest size they had was EIGHT-AND-A-HALF. So, as first runner-up, these shoes will now have to take over since the winner that was crowned is unable to fulfill her obligations as my black summer shoe of choice.

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