Overdressed

Amanda over at Mandajuice has a pretty funny list of "totally harmless, yet UNBELIEVABLY ANNOYING things" her husband does which I thought seemed awfully....familiar.

1. Big Daddy has apparently lived his whole life (36 years) without ever learning to close a dresser drawer. Ever. Not one. It's a wonder the damn thing doesn't tip over.
2. He dips Copenhagen [not totally harmless, actually] and spits into empty plastic soda or gatorade bottles (not the annoying part yet) which he then rinses out periodically in the downstairs bathroom sink. Ga-ross. I'm all, throw the damn thing away! God, like there aren't an unending supply of plastic bottles.
3. He'll get undressed anywhere and drop socks, shorts, shirts on the floor right there - living room, bathroom, his office. If he happens to keep his clothing on long enough to make it to the bedroom, he drops them on the floor on his side of the bed. Which happens to be right next to the laundry hamper. Now seriously. Does it take ANY more effort to just drop them in the basket instead of on the floor? NO. IT DOES NOT. But do you think I can get him to do that? NO. I CAN NOT.
4. If the kitchen trash is full, he piles trash on the counter next to it instead of just emptying the trash.
5. In general, he thinks we have a maid to come along behind him and clean up. Dirty dishes? On the counter, or in the sink. Never rinsed and put into the dishwasher.
6. When the doorbell rings he looks at me and asks, "Who is that?" like I'm fucking psychic or something.
7. He listens to the tv soooo loud. And watches movies super loud. And god, don't even get me started on those damn shoot-em-up XBox games. He spends all day on conference calls on the speaker phone in his office which reverberate throughout the house and make it impossible to even watch tv downstairs in the living room. I think he should get his hearing checked. I mean RIDICULOUSLY, MIND-BLOWINGLY LOUD.
8. He sleeps in shifts. OK, not really annoying but weird anyway and I thought you should know. He'll take a three- or four-hour nap around five or six in the evening. Then he gets up and works again and plays XBox and goes back to bed around 3 a.m. for another four- or five-hour shift.
9. He teaches our son names like "cockknocker" which they then call people while they're playing XBox live. Such a good influence.
10. He has absolutely no knowledge - even the slightest sense of - classics.
11. He never makes our bed, annoyance of which is amplified by the fact the "making our bed" involves one step (ONE) - pulling the comforter up over the mattress. It takes less than 15 seconds. And he's almost always the last one out of if (see #8).
12. He doesn't wash his hands NEAR ENOUGH.
13. He drinks ENTIRELY TOO MANY sugar-free Rock Stars. The smell of which is totally nauseating.
14. When I get My Kid up and ready for school, it includes:
-- going in his room and waking him up; rubbing/scratching his back a little to get him going.
-- turning the shower on (his sign to get up)
-- going downstairs to make breakfast (he doesn't eat cereal so this may include scrambling eggs, making french toast, heating up frozen waffles, microwaving bacon.)
-- talking to him and watching the Today show with him while he eats.
-- making sure all school dress codes are applied (this usually involves: "Where's your belt?")
-- helping him get his backpack together (dude, it's insurance. Otherwise who knows what he'd forget.)
-- giving him a hug and kiss goodbye and sending him off with, "Study hard! Learn lots! Make good choices!"
Occasionally, when I was still working, Big Daddy would take on the responsibility of getting My Kid up for school - say, if I was sick, or left before he got up or had the day off or didn't have to get up for some reason. When Big Daddy gets My Kid up for school, it includes:
-- screaming "KID! GET UP!" from his bed until he hears Kid's shower running.
-- going back to sleep
I imagine this is far more annoying to My Kid than it is to me.

Your turn. I dare you.

Posted by Kalisa on Thursday, April 20, 2006 at 9:04 PM | Permalink