Monday, January 31, 2005

I confess...

I suffer from this. (reg. req'd.)

I have a secret

I'm wearing thigh-highs under my skirt today. Not on purpose. I had these new pumps (Stuart Weitzman, black croco slingbacks that I got on sale for $99.99!!!) and I wanted to wear them but I din't have any hose. Except for these thigh-highs. So I've got on My Friend Vicky's sexy lacetops.

Note to self: when wearing thigh-highs, skip the thong and go with the lace boyshorts, lest one feels as though one is wearing no underwear at all and reminding oneself a little too much of Paris Hilton. Ick.

Friday, January 28, 2005

What can BROWN do for me?

Can you even guess how many times I have called 1-800-GO-FEDEX this week?

This time, the very important package that absolutely, positively had to be in Park City, Utah overnight can't be delivered because Sundance has all the roads closed.

Fucking seriously.

Update: Hmm. Apparently the first customer service representative didn't know what the hell she's talking about because we've found the package and it's STILL IN MEMPHIS! Because it MISSED ITS FLIGHT! Can't seem to get anyone to explain to me how a package sent for overnight delivery still hasn't left the city almost 24 hours later. 2:42 p.m.

Thursday, January 27, 2005


So I've been so busy defaming the largest employer in my city that I forgot to tell ya'll that I had a great meet up with Snidge last night!

It was so great for me, because I think of her as like "Top Memphis Bloggergirl." You know, like our answer to Dooce. Someone lots of people read. Talented. Insightful. Fun to read. Comments out the ass.

But for the big name and all, she was totally cool. Or maybe she was just trying to make a lowly blogger wannabe feel like it's OK to approach the celeb.

Seriously, it was great meeting her. It was weird in a ...weird sort of way. Like, we know a lot ABOUT each other without actually KNOWING each other. So I guess in a way that creates awkwardness. But we seemed to slip into a groove pretty quickly. Just go ahead and get two moms talking about their kids and their kids' school.

BUT WAIT! Let's reposition that. Two YOUNG and HOT moms. Yeah. COOL MOMS who drive COOL CARS. And wear COOL SWEATERS AND BOOTS.

Yeah, you're gettin' the picture...

FedEx is trying to get me fired

Yesterday I sent a very important work package to New York via FedEx for First Overnight delivery. That means it's supposed to be delivered by 8 a.m.

It's now 4 p.m. EST and it still hasn't arrived.

I've been tracking the package online which has been no help at all since it's supposedly been "On the vehicle for delivery" since noon.

And this is the SECOND TIME IN THREE DAYS they have done this to me so it's a little hard for me to have any compassion for your fucking "service delays."

Both packages shipped from Memphis - the HOME of FedEx - to NYC - the BIGGEST FUCKING CITY IN THE COUNTRY - So I'm not really sure why it is that they can't seem to get it there on time.

But I guess all the FedEx employees were out celebrating their new NASCAR so they couldn't be bothered to get my package on the plane in time.

Fuck. Fuckety Fuck Fuck.

Today's chapter, in which semi-famous guy emails me back

I got an email back from Mitch the funny weather guy today. And here's how he remembers me:

You know what is soooo weird--- I was just thinking about you last Friday! I doubt if you remember, but you went to Ron Jon's surf shop or something in Daytona and you brought Steve back some Sex Wax for surfboards. You gave me a bar of it too and I thought that was so cool. The reason I remember was that I was on a cruise and I was thinking what to get for my co-workers. Stupid, I know.

HA! So nice to be remembered...for sex wax.

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

Today's chapter, in which I find out someone else I used to know is famous

Last night while I was sitting around watching AI with the family, my brother called me. Which is really unusual because, even though he's the only person in my family I ever make a point of speaking to, it's sadly limited to birthdays and holidays.

So my brother, whom I will call "Steve," because that's his name, and really - how much identity protection do I need to offer him? It's not like someone who knows us and reads this site is suddenly going to realize, "OH! It's THAT Kalisah, the one with the brother STEVE! Hell, I know them!"

Anyhoo, Steve tells me that he was just watching this show on NBC about the funniest moments on live TV and he saw an old friend of ours - Mitch English.

(I started to give him an alias, but given that he's FAMOUS already, there's really no since in hiding his identity either, right?)

Steve told me the name of the show that Mitch is on so I went and looked it up online. Turns out it's a national morning news show "delivered with personality" so given what I know about Mitch, I wasn't really too surprised to see him here.

For one thing, I saw him doing weather on a TV station a few years back when we were on vacay in Destin, so I already kind of knew that he was on television.

And as far as the personality part...well...let me give you a little background on Mitch.

Mitch moved into our small town the year after I graduated high school and his family went to church with my family. He and Steve were sophomores in high school together and got to be pretty good friends, even though Mitch was a nice upstanding Morman boy and Steve was probably getting high under the bleachers. (What? I said PROBABLY!)

Mitch was elected "Most Humorous" (don't call him the "class clown") his first year at LBHS. And in a small town like mine, you have to be popular to get voted anything, and it's not easy for a newcomer to break into that inner sanctum. But Mitch had that kind of ability. He had that kind of infectious personality.

When they called his name at the student assembly as having won, he ran down to the front and did the Pee Wee Herman "Tequila" dance. The crowd went beserk. They loved him.

His family moved to Florida before he graduated, and I later heard that a tragedy befell them that affected Mitch deeply. My dad told me that he was never quite himself after this which I thought was really really sad, since hisself had been so funny and personable before.

But hey! Looks like Mitch has bounced back! According to his web site he is doing stand-up comedy (he'll be at the MGM Vegas Feb. 4) and has been in a few movies and television shows. Go Mitch!

So, we don't get the show here. If you get The Daily Buzz in your market, do me a favor: tune in one morning and let me know if he's any good.

(And, ummm, for the record - I never dated Mitch.)

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

American Idol Tuesday

As I've said before, I enjoy watching all these people in the early episodes of AI. People who think they can sing. Ridiculous, far out nerds and hipsters and funks and punks and krunks. Whose friends tell them they have the best voice ever!

But cripes, if I have to listen to Paula Abdul tell one more person how they need a better "image" while she sits there at the table, all smug and cheeky WITH A BANANA CLIP IN HER HAIR, I am gonna hurl.

Honey, I have a couple of newsflashes for you: First of all, it is no longer the 80s, even though I can see where you might be confused, given that that was the last time you enjoyed any semblance of popularity. Also, you're not an A-cup so quit trying to smush your boobs into those strapless tops thinking that you're creating some kind of fabulous cleavage.

On a brighter note, how cute was that young African-American kid with the braids and the A-M-A-Z-I-N-G voice that cried when he told his church that he was going to Hollywood! I guess I'll keep watching as long as he remains in the competition. Even though I may have just subjected myself to an entire season of pop divaness.

Maria Full of Plastic Surgery

Catalina Sandino Moreno was nominted for an Oscar today for her starring role in "Maria Full of Grace." This is what she looked like when she made that movie. Posted by Hello

And this is what she looks like today. Welcome to Hollywood - here's your scalpel. I'm seeing definte work on the nose and the eyes. I thought she was beautiful before. Now she just looks like every other plastic actress in Hollywood. Posted by Hello

Monday, January 24, 2005

*snap snap* earth to kalisah...

working so much...long days. all brain dead...seriously. I poked it. No response. Can think of nothing interesting or entertaining or creative to tired...check back with me later.

Saturday, January 22, 2005

Yay for Mississippi

Another reason to be proud of the state I used to call home: the American Family Association. (May require one-time, free registration.)

And here I just thought Sponge Bob was annoying. TURNS OUT HE'S GAY, TOO.

Friday, January 21, 2005

Tell 'em we're from Seattle


Nothing like running into an old boyfriend on someone else's blog...

I had no idea he was so popular.

Thursday, January 20, 2005

Do or do not. There is no try.

Sixth grade is teaching My Kid the 14 Stages of Power Writing. I relate it to the "new math" my mom struggled to understand when I was in school.

As I have stated before, I hold a college degree in Journalism. I aced the English section of my college entrance exam. Like bloggers everywhere, I rock at usage. Yet, last week, I was reduced to begging you all, my fellow writers, for assistance with My Kid's homework.

Now, I must share this with you. You simply won't believe it.

He is on Stage 7 of Power Writing. Tonight's homework required rewriting sentences in six different ways. Other than the individual instructions for each rewrite, the only rule was that you couldn't use the "be" verbs.

Here is the example sentence:

"There are two reasons an engine roars loudly."

And the sample rewrites:

1. With strong active verbs
The engine roared loudly for two reasons.

2. Ask a question
What two reasons caused the engine to roar loudly?
Ummm...that doesn't really have the same meaning as the original sentence, so how is this a helpful skill?

3. An exclamatory sentence
The engine screamed loudly for two reasons!
I tried to explain to My Kid that a good writer NEVER uses exclamation points!!!! But then, I was taught (way back when) that for it to be an exclamatory sentence, it has to start with a word that is generally a question, i.e.: How loudly the engine screamed!

4. Open with an adverb
Last week, the engine roared loudly for two reasons.
OK, that is the suckiest sentence I've ever read in my life.

5. Open with a prepositional phrase
For two reasons the engine roared loudly.
Possibly the second suckiest.

6. Verb precedes the subject
Loudly roared the engine for two reasons.

That last one is the one that I just could not get my arms around.

His assigned sentences were:

"There are two problems that rain can cause at a construction site."
"There are two foods that I enjoy eating."

Everything I could come up with ended up sounding like Yoda:

Enjoy eating two foods do I.

What kind of shit is this? I would really like for someone to explain to me how any one of these lame-ass examples produces a better writer???

You won't find "work" here

After listening to Dooce's interview on NPR, I've wisened up and gotten smart. I spent all morning deleting any and every post that mentioned "work," "job," "boss" or celebrities I've worked with in that capacity.

Whew. That was a lot of work.

Oh, damn. Now I have to delete this one.

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

She Bangs! She Bangs!

Whew. OK, my fury has been calmed. Thanks for listening. Actually, once I settled down a bit, I remembered that I backed up my archived emails to CD about a year ago. And the last six months' of emails are not archived yet, so I'm really probably only missing about six months' of emails. That's manageable.

So don't forget: watch American Idol tonight. Now I know that I've claimed before that I am anti-reality show. And I am. And I will NEVER watch the glorified talent show once it turns into serious pop divaness. But this part at the beginning? The tone deaf part? It's great entertainment.

If you missed last night, here's a few highlights:

  1. Mary was the freak with the really bad Dorothy Hamill haircut that you saw on all the ads (Simon: "How do you think you did?" Mary: "Not too shabby.") who admitted to hearing voices in her head. "Weirdness is originality," she deadpanned. Scared the fuck outta me!
  2. They accepted Constantine, who sings in a metal garage band, b/c they agreed that he could shake up the competition a little bit. He tried out with Aerosmith's "Crying." Then Ryan Seacrest followed him to a band rehearsal to break it to the rest of the group on national TV that their singer was dumping them for a chance of his own. On American fucking Idol. HA!
  3. This guy wearing a 5.9% headband (something about he used to be a drunk until he found Jesus?), told the judges that he just found out a couple weeks ago that he could sing! "I ain't no chile' prodigy or nuthin."
  4. But my favorite was the girl who said that GOD gave her this talent and that HE sent her to American Idol and that HE WANTS HER TO WIN THIS COMPETITION. Then, when the judges bounced her, she went outside and cussed Simon like a sailor! Yeah!

So tune in tonight to see what's in store! (I think this year the producers have given the judges explicit directions that if the singer is really, really atrocious, let them sing for a long time while you all take sideways glances at each other.)

There will be a test tomorrow.

This day SUCKS ASS

I just found out that when I got my new PC after the holidays, I LOST ALL OF MY ARCHIVED EMAILS.

You can't imagine how badly this sucks for me.

And you can't possibly imagine how pissed off I am at the motherfucking "Help" Desk.

You know what instructions I got before I changed PCs? They told me, "Save everything you want to keep on a network drive."

Yeah. That's it. Now, I didn't have to save any of my other Outlook folders. SO HOW IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS HOLY AND GOOD WOULD I EVER FUCKING KNOW THAT I HAD TO SAVE THAT ARCHIVE FOLDER???

Would YOU have known that?

God, I'm so pissed. That's it. Fuck all. I'm leaving early.

How did I miss THAT??

I was so busy checking out the ascot that I totally missed that ANGELINA'S HAND IS STICKING OUT OF BRAD'S STOMACH!!! Yeah, how doctored is THAT photo?? Posted by Hello

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

Expecting a new babylink

Rude Cactus is going to be a DADDY! How exciting is that? You should definitely go over and tell him congrats. Tell him Overdressed sent you.

Chris, I'll be sending your wife some New Mom Chic web sites where she can shop and pamper and feel good about her pregnant self. Humor her. It's her time.

Practice with me now, "Yes, dear..."

Not that it can't be true

Just that I don't believe this particular source. And here's why (well, besides the fact that it IS the Star):

Is Brad Pitt wearing an ASCOT in this photo?

Yeah, I'm pretty sure this must be a scene from the movie where they play a husband & wife. Not some romantic stroll down a charming Italian street.

Even in Italy, I can't see Brad, in all his stylish glory, tying a scarf around his neck.

A Game for a Tuesday

From now on, for the rest of the day, whenever you say hi to someone, sing out "Hell-ooooo!" like Mrs. Doubtfire.

Shit, I'm bored.

Monday, January 17, 2005

And BTW, who killed JR?

Can someone please explain to me why the #1 most requested song today on my radio station was "Blister in the Sun"???? Is this the year 2000? Have I been sleeping? Is this all a dream? Am I on Dallas?

Lost (not the TV show)

So, remember last summer? When I lost my keys? Well, they never did turn up. Luckily we had an extra set at home. And luckily nobody's stolen my car.

Tonight, out of the blue, Big Daddy said, "I wonder what ever happened to your keys?"

"I'll find them when I die," I said. "That's what happens, you know. That IS the afterlife: everything you ever lost is there to greet you - keys, sunglasses, umbrellas, gloves, socks..."

I tried to support my theory with an example of something HE'S lost, but I couldn't think of anything he's permanently misplaced. Sure, he loses his keys everyday, but I can always tell him where he's left them. That's my job. I'm the mom.

So then, I got to wondering? What have YOU lost? What's waiting for YOU when you go?

Life is Golden

Is was quite a night, was it not? Have I mentioned that I once attended a star-studded gala in that very ballroom? Yes I did. Anway...on with the night's review.

First, is it a rule that you have to be really, really annoying to get a Red Carpet show? It was absolutely chosing the lesser of two evils...Star, or Joan & Melissa? I despise them all. I flipped back and forth a little bit, but mostly settled on Star, who seemed to be grabbing the celebs first. Her interviews were horrid. And what was with that huge underwear line around her waist? Anyway, the only reason we watch the Red Carpet shows is to get a first-hand glimpse at what the stars are wearing. We don't care for any of your comments. Someone should let E! and TV Guide know that.

Most Beautiful: Terri Hatcher looked the best, hands down. I didn't care much for the dress - too many scarfy-things hanging down - but the bodice was gorgeous and her hair and makeup was flawless. She just glowed. Posted by Hello

Runner-up for Most Beautiful: Mariska Hargitay (although I couldn't find a great picture of her). The dress was stunning on her. Her hair soft and beautiful. I'm so glad she won. I bet the paparazzi were wishing then they'd taken more shots of her. Posted by Hello

Best Dress: Joely Richardson was so in love with this dress when Princess Di wore it that she called the designer and asked her to make a copy of it for the Globes. She looks like a goddess. Very quickly moving up to the top of my list of Most Consistently Best Dressed. Posted by Hello

Runner-up for Best Dress: Minnie Driver. This dress was amazing up close. But the hair, Minnie! Grow your gorgeous locks back out. This looks like a bad junior high photo. Posted by Hello

Best Dressed Housewife: Felicity Huffman. Maybe not the best color for her. But the dress was definitely a winner. And who knew she's married to William H. Macy? What a charming (and talented!) couple! Posted by Hello

Always a winner: Kate Hudson looked fabulous, as usual. Posted by Hello

Best Dressed Pregnant Lady: Not the easiest thing to do, but I think Denise Richards did well. Posted by Hello

Best Dressed Over 50: Glenn Close always looks so poised and proper. Meryl Streep, take a note. Posted by Hello

Orlando Bloom: hubba hubba. Posted by Hello

Jamie Foxx: did anyone else notice what looked to be a tattoo around the back of Jamie's head? What was up with that? And who was this hoochie-mama there with him that kept sticking her tits and ass in the camera? Posted by Hello

Could Lisa Marie Presley have looked any less happy to be there? Her dress looked like she borrowed it from "Interview with the Vampire" and her face said, "I'd rather be having a root canal." Way to pimp that new record, honey. Posted by Hello

Dylan Walsh: I'm glad "Nip/Tuck" won for Best Drama. It's daring and cutting-edge and totally deserving. But what's with the Grizzly Adams look? Get a shave and wash your hair. It's the Golden Globes, for pete's sake. Posted by Hello

Nicole Kidman: I don't even care how great your dress was (which, peacock feathers? Yeah, not that great.). Your hair looks like you're still playing Virginia Wolfe. Posted by Hello

Not a Good Look for You: Natalie, cute and petite. Why did you pick a dress that appears to be three sizes too big for you? I'm pretty sure you could have found something much cuter than this. Posted by Hello

Worst Look: Laura Linney, the make up was too dark. The hair was too severe and, with pieces sticking out, it looked like you let your kid sister style it. And was that dress crocheted? Please tell me it was not crocheted. Posted by Hello

Runner-up Worst Look: Paula, honey, this dress does not fit you. Oh, you created cleavage all right. UNDER YOUR ARMS!! Breasts are meant to be round. I have no idea what shape you'd call these. And also, get rid of that big 80s flipped-over hair bang. Or better yet, just quit appearing in public altogether. Posted by Hello

Worst Dress: I think Diane Kruger's choice will be on everyone's Worst Dressed list. Honey, you're not in "Troy" anymore. Posted by Hello

Runner-up for Worst Dress: Yes, Portia, we know you're a lesbian. But does that require you to ace bandage your boobs down like a 1920s flapper? This dress was horrendous and soooo not flattering on you. Posted by Hello

Saturday, January 15, 2005

I really, really need your help!!

So I'm guest posting over at Snidget this weekend. Which I was totally thrilled about being asked to do. I mean, really. How cool is that? This is the first time since I started blogging that someone's asked me to guest post. And it's SNIDGET. (Whoa.)

And seriously, the pressure is ENORMOUS. Really. How does one live up to the reputation?

And my goal (as put out there by Casey) was not to post the same things HERE that I post THERE.

So please. PLEASE. I have a desperate question that My Kid's homework depends on. PLEASE go over to Snidget and check out the post. And leave your comments. Or leave them here. Or whatever. Email me at Just send me an answer, dammit!


Friday, January 14, 2005

The (ahem) biggest star in Hollywood

We'll pause now for this public service announcement:

If any of you know where these photos might be posted somewhere out here on the internet, please send me the link!!! I think my life would be infinitely more fulfilled if I saw Jamie Foxx naked.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled blog.
Posted by Hello

Thursday, January 13, 2005

The O.C. Update

OK, make fun of me if you must. But yes. I watch The O.C. We started watching it last year right from the beginning.

And by "we," I mean all of us. Me. Big Daddy. My Kid. It's one of two shows we all enjoy together. The O.C. and Lost. After that our tastes take separate paths. I'm all Desperate Housewives and Gilmore Girls and SATC reruns. They're all Dave Chapelle Show and South Park and Monster Garage.

But we *heart* The O.C. I know, I know. It's the 90210 of the new millennium. But Shannon Daugherty, et al, never had this witty repartee. The O.C. has great writers and that's what makes the show so great. Certainly not the storylines, I'll admit. But the dialog is ingenious.

I will give you that the show was better last season than it is now. But I don't care. I still like it.

So look. On tonight's episode? DO YOU THINK THAT WAS REALLY PETER GALLAGHER SINGING? Posted by Hello

After seeing Marissa (Mischa Barton) completely massacre good fashion sense in the off season, as witnessed often on Go Fug Yourself as well as in this OC publicity shot (I'm sorry, are those ice skater costume fake nude panels in the side of your dress???), and then having to suffer her in that scene with Jimmy on the boat in which her acting abilities were inherently ABSENT, I just really really don't like her now. I know that's probably blaspheme to the hard core O.C. fans. But I don't care. I don't like Marissa. Posted by Hello

I much prefer Summer. And that should come as no surprise to any of my readers, as Summer, with her brash self-confidence and magnetic narcissism, exudes the classic "Overdressed." I love how she always says what's on her mind and never has any regrets. Posted by Hello