Saturday, April 30, 2005

When I Grow Up (in a year or two or three)

Karmajenn tagged me with this meme. From this list, you're to choose at least five and finish the sentence. You can then add one or two to the list and tag some of your blogger friends to do the same. So here we go!

If I could be a scientist...
If I could be a farmer...
If I could be a musician...
If I could be a doctor...
If I could be a painter...
If I could be a gardener...
If I could be a missionary...
If I could be a chef...
If I could be an architect...
If I could be a linguist...
If I could be a psychologist...
If I could be a librarian...
If I could be an athlete...
If I could be a lawyer...
If I could be an innkeeper...
If I could be a professor...
If I could be a writer...
If I could be a backup dancer...
If I could be an actor...
If I could be a judge...
If I could be a Jedi...
If I could be a mob boss...
If I could be a llama-rider...(by Ogre)
If I could be a bonnie pirate...(By Teach)
If I could be a servicemember...(By Jeremy)
If I could be a business owner...(By Blue 944)
If I could be an actor... (By Blue 944)
If I could be an agent...(By KelBel)
If I could be video game designer...(By KelBel)
If I could be a comic book artist...(By Stoli)
If I could be a hooker...(By Pollo Loco)
If I could be a crack addict... (by Elizabeth)
If I could be a porn star... (by Elizabeth)
If I could be a mime... (by Garrison)
If I could be a cartoonist... (by Wenchy)
If I could be the pope... (by Karmajenn)
If I could be a filmmaker... (by Kalisah)

If I could be a musician, I'd be a singer, and I'd get the Super Bowl National Anthem gig.
If I could be a chef, I'd have the hippest, coolest, hardest-to-get-into restaurant in New York.
If I could be an athlete, I'd have to-die-for abs.
If I could be an actor, I'd have torrid love affairs with my co-stars and always be beautiful and glamorous on the red carpet.
If I could be a business owner, I'd offer make-overs for women. I'd take them to the make-up counter at Macy's and make them beautiful. I'd have a partnership with a chi-chi salon where I could take my clients in and instruct how their hair should be cut and colored. I'd take them shopping at the best boutiques and spend their money buying them clothes that would flatter them and set them out from the crowed. And they would adore me and admire me and pay me lots of money for my wisdom and expertise.

OK, Donna, Scully, MamaKaren...your turns.

Friday, April 29, 2005

Remember that kid from Algebra II junior year?

This morning I was driving in to work, listening to the news on NPR as usual, when I heard a report that a guy I graduated high school with was put to death in Alabama last night. That's kind of a weird way to start off your day.

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

The conservative Mormon branch of the family has arrived

Tonight was the visitation at the funeral home. My mom's cousin from Oxford was there. She talked to me at length about her sons and her grandchildren. And here I always thought that those Steel Magnolias accents were exaggerated.

My sister's husband left to pick up Uncle Claydon at the airport and wrecked their rental car. Let me tell you, the uninitiated should not attempt to drive in Memphis. Especially at rush hour. And FOR GOD'S SAKE, don't make any left-hand turns!!!! Sheesh.

So after the visitation was over I had to drive my sister and her husband and their two kids back to Mother's where they're staying.

My brother-in-law saw the Kerry sticker on my car and proceeded to give me his political opinions on why the democrats can't get elected. I started to ask him to share his opinion on what faggots are doing to the sanctity of marriage and those sinners killing babies but decided to just keep my mouth shut and get along.

I'm sure there will be LOTS MORE FUN TOMORROW so stay 'tooned!!

Saturday, April 23, 2005

Didn't. Win.

I mean, we won a total of six awards (three of them mine) but we didn't win the elusive best in show that I was coveting. I am the Erica Kane of the Memphis PR awards.

No, I was beaten YET AGAIN by the same corporate communications office of one of the OTHER hospitals in town which if you live here you can read about in the CA because I'm not giving them any ink here.

After the banquet me & An & Jen went salsa dancing and I drowned my disappointment in margaritas and uno-dos-tres, cinco-seis-siete.

Friday, April 22, 2005

Those Bastards!

This is South Park Kalisah that I created here. See how she's all dressed for her big awards dinner tonight in a corset top that will embarrass her coworkers and drive them to HR on Monday morning to complain about her sexy lack of professionalism. Notice also that she is rolling her eyes at nasty coworkers and everyone else that comes across her path as she works her tiara'd self back to the bar for another margarita.

Thursday, April 21, 2005

Look, you can email the pope

I probably won't send him that celeb cuss word clip, though.


HA! I found the perfect clip for today! (Thanks to Fraulein N)

Warning: NSFW (the good ones never are)

But first, let it be known that I HAVE NOT BEEN SICK ONCE ALL WINTER

Today, however, I am sick. I’m sure I caught it from my own kid however I can still bitch about the girl who brought her sick baby in. Because I’m just…bitchy that way.

And here’s what’s really kind of weird today: I seem to be the only one on the floor. My office isn’t with the rest of my department – they’re all on the front side of the building but I’m on the back with our events team and the internet team. But none of them seem to be here today? Or maybe they just heard that I’m sick and they’re all staying away. Either way, it sure is quiet in here and I LIKE IT.

And…Blogger is totally fucking up again. Just so you know.

And...I haven't heard shit on the Big Thing. I hope I didn't get my hopes up for nothing. Surely not. Surely.

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Is it just me, or...

Does Ashton Kutcher seem to be making the same movie over and over again?

Should kids who are too sick for daycare/school not come to the office with Mommy?

Are already cut up apples the greatest thing ever?

Could you totally spend entire pay checks shopping here?

Does no one really care about Bennifer the second time around?

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

And one more that I forgot...

The girl who talks baby talk on the phone to her 2-year-old niece every freaking day. "Hi babeee...I'm at wok...where are you? Where is mee-maw? Where is pop-pop? Where is Uncle Jason?"

Of course, that's only one-half of the conversation: b/c then she gets back on with some adult (mee-maw? Or maybe the kid's mom?) and repeats the entire conversation that she just had with the two-year-old because it is so fucking CUTE.

You can imagine how much the whole thing makes me want to vomit.

See how quickly I go back to being petty?

Ugg. I have so much to bitch about today. Thank GOD you're here.

My morning started out in utter chaos. I was supposed to conduct a training class at 8:30 a.m. for my Project That Needs a Name, only I was stuck in traffic on Walnut Grove for like 40 minutes this morning, so I was late. THEN, it turns out when I got here, I'd somehow cancelled the meeting from everyone's calendar so no one came anyway! And one girl? She's in Cabo San Lucas or somewhere very tropical and romantic like that anyway.

And now? Someone is eating their lunch at their desk. I think it might be some sort of soup that they heated up in the micro. But boy does it smell RIPE. Yuck.

The girl next to me plays her music too loud. If you're going to listen to music in a cube, use headphones. (OK, I only occasionally hear it, but whatever. Blah blah blah bitch moan.)

Still waiting on a phone call on that BIG THING that I can't tell you about until I at least get this one more phone call.

My Kid is sick and I think he may have missed his first day of TCAP's yesterday which will probably prevent him from passing the 6th grade or at the very least get one or both of us yelled at by the teacher.

I forgot to turn my ringer back on after the funeral Saturday so I've missed several business calls this morning.

We were supposed to have a conference call today about this TV show that we have a storyline on that's coming up very soon but all of a sudden the shit is hitting the proverbial fan b/c the highest of the highest-ups at the hospital didn't approve the script (yeah, someone else's responsibility - not this babe) and now they want to maybe change it?? But the show has gone on hiatus and there is no crew and there will be no edits and NO WAY we're going to ask them to PULL THEIR SHOW (please!) so we may just get hit with some consequences that our hospital is not physically capable of sustaining. And it should all get real freaking interesting between now and May 9th. I'm just sayin...

This Friday is the local PR awards and two - TWO! - of my projects are up for "Best in Show." OK, I'm not bitching about that b/c that is very cool especially since NONE of my projects have EVER been up for best in show. And I really, really want to WIN. I am a little concerned however that I won't be able to fit into my dress given all the cheating I have done to my diet in the last week. So now everyone, please take this moment to close your eyes, and visualize me looking great in my dress, standing in front of the entire Memphis PR community and thanking them for this prestigious honor...DO IT. I MEAN IT.

Saturday, April 16, 2005

Goodnight Angel, it's time to sleep

This morning I attended the funeral of one of our patients, 13-year-old Ali Mills. Ali had neuroblastoma, a particularly tough form of cancer. It has about a 90% cure rate if it's diagnosed before the age of 1. After that, it's less than a 50%. Cancer was diagnosed in Ali when she was 5.

Before she went into the hospital for the last time, Ali told her mom, "I think that I am going to die soon." Her mother asked her why she thought that. She said, "I've had such a full and blessed life, I think God will take me home soon." This was a child that fought cancer for eight of her 13 years.

She underwent years of chemotherapy - intravenously as well as wicked-tasting oral medicines. She suffered through multiple bone marrow transplants. She traveled to LA, Dallas & New York for experimental treatments. She lost her hair more times than I can count. But she felt her life was full and blessed.

She makes me feel petty, selfish and so of-this-world.

It used to be, when we lost a patient that I'd gotten to know and love, it made me more dedicated to my work. But now, my heart hurts and I don't know if I can keep doing this. My friend Mary tells me I have to remain professionally detached. But sometimes, with some of the children, I just can't.

Goodnight, my angel
Time to close your eyes
And save these questions for another day
I think I know what you've been asking me
I think you know what I've been trying to say
I promised I would never leave you
And you should always know
Wherever you may go
No matter where you are
I never will be far away

Goodnight, my angel
Now it's time to sleep
And still so many things I want to say
Remember all the songs you sang for me
When we went sailing on an emerald bay
And like a boat out on the ocean
I'm rocking you to sleep
The water's dark
And deep inside this ancient heart
You'll always be a part of me

Goodnight, my angel
Now it's time to dream
And dream how wonderful your life will be
Someday your child may cry
And if you sing this lullabye
Then in your heart
There will always be a part of me

Someday we'll all be gone
But lullabyes go on and on...
They never die
That's how you
And I
Will be

Boyfriend Inventory

Last night I dreamed that my family went on a vacation with the family of my first boyfriend. Which is not only laughable, but impossible since he is no longer of this world. But when I woke up I was thinking about my boyfriend history. And it ain't pretty.

1. Ricky Brice (real name)
Before I Knew Him: he burned down his mom's house setting off fireworks in the garage, was sent to juvenile jail (for something unrelated), and fathered a child out of wedlock at the age of 16.
When I Dated Him: he was very nice to me, but ended up dumping me for Melinda, the girl with the biggest tits in town. Whom he also impregnated.
Since I Dated Him: he stole a car, went to jail, broke out of jail, was captured in another state, and hung himself in jail there.

2. Bucky (real name)
When I Dated Him: he was a good Mormon boy, the most popular boy in the Mobile, Ala. Stake, in fact. His dance card was always full at every Super Saturday dance, and even when we were dating we always danced with other people. I guess the Holy Ghost prefers it that way b/c that's what good Mormon teens did back when we were dating.
Now: someone at my high school reunion told me that he lives in a converted barn on his dad's property with his wife and like six kids. I asked if he had his email address and he said, "Email? I don't think he even has a phone."

3. Scotty Able (real name)
When I Dated Him: he was a 19-year-old high school Sophomore who refused to drop out b/c then he’d have to GET A JOB.
Since I Dated Him: I heard he got arrested for stealing a beer truck. Full of beer, I assume.

4. Casey Jones (real name)
When I Dated Him: he was a long-haired stoner who worked construction and rode a motorcycle. He moved a lot b/c he always bought his weed before he paid his rent.
Now: he's a long-haired stoner working construction and living with his girlfriend and two kids (he’s never actually married her) in a trailer on his dad's property. And he's REAL PROUD of the addition to the trailer that he built himself from scrap materials.

5. Short guy who looked like Mikhail Baryshnikov (not his real name)
When I Dated Him: he was a Young Republican with a degree in finance who owned a really expensive bicycle and a really cheap car.
Now: he lives outside Houston with his wife and two kids and sells insurance. I'm not sure what kind of car he has now, but you can almost bet his wife drives a minivan, can’t you?

6. Chip (real name)
When I Dated Him: he was a 20-something with a college degree who was still tending bar at Chili’s. He didn’t want to GET A REAL JOB b/c then he couldn’t drink until dawn every night.
Now: I have no idea. I heard a few year’s back that he’d gotten a DUI.

7. ESL Teacher (not his real name)
When I Dated Him: he drank a lot and had some real father issues.
Since I Dated Him: I ran into him one night in a bar. He was very drunk and speaking with a thick lisp. I’ve decided he might be gay.

8. First Musician (not his real name)
When I Dated Him: turns out he was enjoying his rock-n-roll lifestyle (OK, that’s a bit of a stretch seeing as he played James Taylor and the like) and sleeping with every groupie he could wrangle.
Now: he’s divorced and owns his own company. Something having to do with homes. I run into him now and then at Starbucks.

9. Other Musician a.k.a. Todd Snider (real name)
When I Dated Him: You really can’t even call it “dating” since most of what we did was buy cheap bottles of wine and hang out with homeless bums in Midtown. And he never, ever wore shoes.
Now: He’s a fairly successful musician living outside Nashville. He’s got a wife from Mexico (who I’m sure is gorgeous) and a big spread of land. And when I saw him, he had on very expensive shoes.

10. Big Daddy
Given my history, you can see how lucky things turned out for me.

Thursday, April 14, 2005

Working at home today

I have this monotonous computer work to do to change allllll these set-up details to the technical system I am charged with implementing (I need a cool project name for it like Helen's Project Rocket-Riding Gerbil). So I'm working from home today b/c 1) it's an online system and I can, 2) I had no meetings on my schedule, and 3) I figured I could knock out a lot more of it if I could work uninterrupted. And I can. Have. Am.

And it's great b/c even us chi-chi girls like to sit around in our PJs with our hair up in a scrunchie once in a while.

But damn. It is HARD to stay on your diet when you're home alone all day! What I've eaten today that is totally NOT South Beach-approved:

1. Frosted Mini-Wheats
2. Goldfish crackers
3. Nutter Butter peanut butter sandwich cookies

(Remember that old commercial? "How can I have a NUTTER butter peanut butter sandwich cookie when I haven't had ONE yet?" Yes, I'm almost 40. WHAT OF IT???)

Dude, I am going to be so FAT by the end of the week if I keep this up.

Monday, April 11, 2005

Comfort food

What a day.

Wind and rain and thunderstorms....

Which I braved at lunchtime to venture out to the VA hospital, where my mother's husband is in ICU after a stroke, belligerent and hostile and unable to speak coherently, and she is hysterical in her martyrdom which is why she refused to call me because we're still practically not speaking...

At work, I was asked to create an html newsletter by the end of the day...with absolutely no direction as to what the content should be. Oh, I'm sorry - did I say absolutely no direction? Well that's not entirely true - they did ask that it be very [and I quote] "rah-rah." Luckily I got that new rah-rah filter for just such creative emergencies...

Big Daddy left this afternoon for a business trip that will keep him gone until Saturday. Just before 5 he called me, realizing that I had the debit card and demanding that I DRIVE TO THE AIRPORT IN THE RUSH HOUR TRAFFIC AND STORMS so that I could drop it off for him...

My feet were so wet all day that I now have pink stripes across my toes. Note to self: don't wear pink shoes in the rain...

Working my way back home from the airport, I stopped at Kroger and picked up dinner for me & My Kid: frozen pizza, soda and chocolate chip cookie dough. Fuck the diet. I need comfort food.

Thanks for your concern

But I'm fine, really. I had taken the day off on Friday, and I just left my mani appointment, driving north on Perkins toward Walnut Grove to head home. I'd just passed White Station High School when this guy in a black SUV comes FLYING out of a driveway. He doesn't stop, slow down, look, nothing. Just zooms right into traffic and takes off! I had to slam on my brakes to keep from hitting him, and the kid behind me slammed into me.

Yes, he was insured (god only knows how much his mama's gonna have to pay for that now). He was a 16-year-old that just got out of school at White Station. I felt bad for him b/c, yes, technically it was his fault for not maintaining a safe lookout or whatever it is they ticket you for when you rear-end someone. But it really was the guy in the SUV's fault. And of course that fucker didn't even stop! I was so pissed! I couldn't believe that someone would just cause an accident like that and take off! If I'd had my wits about me I would have jumped out and got his tag number. But of course you don't think of that until later.

I'm feeling OK though. I was up & around by Sunday and even went to My Kid's soccer game that afternoon which they lost 2-0 but I got quite a nice suntan.

And the kids' insurance is paying up. And I'm driving a rental DODGE STRATUS or something which is humiliation enough for me. It's kind of fun driving a rental car though. When I run errands I park all wonky and leave the windows down and don't even lock the doors. What do I care?

Thanks again to all of you for your kind words and your concern. It's so nice to know that people care!

Saturday, April 09, 2005


I just watched this movie, after the DVD sat on my coffee table for about two weeks. I finally got around to it because SOMEONE SMASHED INTO THE BACK OF MY CAR ON FRIDAY AND CAUSED ABOUT $3,000 WORTH OF DAMAGE NOT TO MENTION THE EXTREME ACHES AND PAINS IN MY BACK AND NECK TODAY. So, while Big Daddy kindly took my sad Maxima to the body shop and picked up my Dodge(?) from the car rental, I settled down with lots of pillow, a heating pad and the Alfie DVD.

Here are my thoughts:
1) When my father (who grew up in D.C.) took my mother (who grew up in Louisiana) on one of their first dates to see Gone with the Wind, she amazed him by not knowing that the south lost the Civil War. And also by being able to recite so many of Scarlett's lines right along with her.

I thought of this because this was the first movie in my recollection that I've been able to claim recitation of lines along with the main character...who happened to be a womanizing British male in Manhattan??? Go figure.

2) I don't understand why Nia Long isn't considered among THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMEN IN HOLLYWOOD. I think she is utterly breath-taking.

3) I felt like it was necessary to relate to one of the women in the movie. To "be" one of them the way I was always "Jan" and my sister was "Marcia" when we watched The Brady Bunch in primetime as children. The young mom (Marisa Tomei)? The wild, crazy, sexy, fun, manic Nikki (Jude Law's real-life girlfriend Sienna Miller)? The sexy, successful older woman (Susan Sarandon)? I couldn't make a final decision since the disc fucked up at the end and I never got to see who he ended up with.

Thursday, April 07, 2005

Update on Something

I have no news to share yet on my BIG SOMETHING. But it is moving forward. I may know more tomorrow...keep the GOOD THOUGHTS coming because I can use all your good vibes!!

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

OK, now THIS is a fun blog game

I got it from Michelle. It's called the Image Game. Here's what you do:

1. Choose a search engine, click on "Images"
2. Choose a blogfriend
3. Think of ONE or TWO words that you think best describes aforementioned blogfriend.
4. Do an IMAGE SEARCH on that word.
5. Pick an image~~the one that makes you say "AHA! That's IT!"

So here's my five:

1. Snidget - Strong and Sure
2. Helen - Introspective
3. Carmen - Maternal and selfless
4. Elizabeth - Searching
5. Chris - Cool geek

Send GOOD THOUGHTS my way!!

Could be? Who knows?
There's something due, any day
I will know, right away...Soon as it shows
It may come cannanballing down
Through the sky, gleam in its eye...bright as rose
Who knows?
It's only just out of reach
Down the block, on the beach...Under a tree
I got a feeling there's a miracle due
Gonna come true, comin' to me
Could it be, yes it could
Something's comin', something good...If i can wait
Something's comin'
I don't know what it is, but it is gonna be great
With a click, with a shock
Phone'll jingle, door will knock...Open the latch
Something's comin'
Don't know when, but it's soon, catch the moon...One handed catch
Around the corner or whistlin' down the river
Come on, deliver to me
Will it be, yes it will
Maybe just by holding still...It'll be there
Come on, something, come on in
Don't be shy, meet a guy...Pull up a chair
The air is humming, And something great is coming
I feel like drumming, And something great is coming
Who knows? It's only just out of reach
Down the block, on a beach
Maybe tonight...Maybe tonight...Maybe tonight...!

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

Overdressed Edict


Monday, April 04, 2005

Here's all I have to say about the death of the Pope

I'm not Catholic. (I'm not even sure I'm Christian.) But I recognize that what's happening is history. And I find it all quite fascinating.

Because if I were going to be a religion, I would definitely chose one like Catholicism with lots of pomp and circumstance. Because I think that's cool.

And all this is about as good as it gets, right? The changing of the Pope?

So I was know, Catholics believe that when a person dies, their soul goes to Purgatory. The in-between state. Because a sinful soul can't get into Heaven and all that. And the mortal souls left behind here on earth help the deceased to transition from Purgatory into Heaven by saying prayers and lighting candles for them.

In most cases, I suppose, this works. Unless you're going to hell. Then, I guess all the prayers in the mortal world ain't helping you. Or, I don't know. Maybe if you're going to hell you don't even get the luxury of Purgatory. Maybe you get the Express to Hell, like that old Eddie Murphy line from his first comedy album...You walk up to the door with your ticket - You shot the Pope? Come right in!

So here's what a non-believer thinks about in the middle of the night when she can't sleep: I'm wondering, does the Pope's soul go to Purgatory?

Do faithful Catholics have to pray him into Heaven?

Because're the Pope.

And you probably haven't had an unclean thought since you were, like, 12.

And if the Pope can't get in, then what hope do the rest of us have??

Sunday, April 03, 2005

You know what I just don't get?

Solo albums.

Matchbox 20 = a singer, with a band of musicians accompanying him. Rob Thomas' solo album? Same singer. With of different musicians accompanying him.

Because really. Doesn't "solo," by definition, require that he do it ALONE?

Gwen Stefani. Belinda Carlisle. You can make your own list.

The only thing I can think of that makes a difference is that in a band, the entire group makes creative decisions. On a "solo album," the singer has full creative control. I find it extraordinarily egotistical that Rob Thomas thinks I, the listener, should care about that.

Perhaps our resident music expert can weigh in on this.

Friday, April 01, 2005

SEE?? I was not kidding

Then again, maybe a burnout from the 70s who thought "Krystal Skye" was a good name for their daughter might also think it funny to request "presents" for that child's wedding...(Click to embiggen)

An informal poll

Let's say you opened up your People magazine this week and you saw in the StarTracks a photo of Kobe Bryant playing with a couple of bald childhood cancer patients - I don't know, dribbling a basketball together or something.

What would you think?

I'm just wanting some outside opinions.