Last night I dreamed that my family went on a vacation with the family of my first boyfriend. Which is not only laughable, but impossible since he is no longer of this world. But when I woke up I was thinking about my boyfriend history. And it ain't pretty.
1. Ricky Brice (real name)
Before I Knew Him: he burned down his mom's house setting off fireworks in the garage, was sent to juvenile jail (for something unrelated), and fathered a child out of wedlock at the age of 16.
When I Dated Him: he was very nice to me, but ended up dumping me for Melinda, the girl with the biggest tits in town. Whom he also impregnated.
Since I Dated Him: he stole a car, went to jail, broke out of jail, was captured in another state, and hung himself in jail there.
2. Bucky (real name)
When I Dated Him: he was a good Mormon boy, the most popular boy in the Mobile, Ala. Stake, in fact. His dance card was always full at every Super Saturday dance, and even when we were dating we always danced with other people. I guess the Holy Ghost prefers it that way b/c that's what good Mormon teens did back when we were dating.
Now: someone at my high school reunion told me that he lives in a converted barn on his dad's property with his wife and like six kids. I asked if he had his email address and he said, "Email? I don't think he even has a phone."
3. Scotty Able (real name)
When I Dated Him: he was a 19-year-old high school Sophomore who refused to drop out b/c then he’d have to GET A JOB.
Since I Dated Him: I heard he got arrested for stealing a beer truck. Full of beer, I assume.
4. Casey Jones (real name)
When I Dated Him: he was a long-haired stoner who worked construction and rode a motorcycle. He moved a lot b/c he always bought his weed before he paid his rent.
Now: he's a long-haired stoner working construction and living with his girlfriend and two kids (he’s never actually married her) in a trailer on his dad's property. And he's REAL PROUD of the addition to the trailer that he built himself from scrap materials.
5. Short guy who looked like Mikhail Baryshnikov (not his real name)
When I Dated Him: he was a Young Republican with a degree in finance who owned a really expensive bicycle and a really cheap car.
Now: he lives outside Houston with his wife and two kids and sells insurance. I'm not sure what kind of car he has now, but you can almost bet his wife drives a minivan, can’t you?
6. Chip (real name)
When I Dated Him: he was a 20-something with a college degree who was still tending bar at Chili’s. He didn’t want to GET A REAL JOB b/c then he couldn’t drink until dawn every night.
Now: I have no idea. I heard a few year’s back that he’d gotten a DUI.
7. ESL Teacher (not his real name)
When I Dated Him: he drank a lot and had some real father issues.
Since I Dated Him: I ran into him one night in a bar. He was very drunk and speaking with a thick lisp. I’ve decided he might be gay.
8. First Musician (not his real name)
When I Dated Him: turns out he was enjoying his rock-n-roll lifestyle (OK, that’s a bit of a stretch seeing as he played James Taylor and the like) and sleeping with every groupie he could wrangle.
Now: he’s divorced and owns his own company. Something having to do with homes. I run into him now and then at Starbucks.
9. Other Musician a.k.a. Todd Snider (real name)
When I Dated Him: You really can’t even call it “dating” since most of what we did was buy cheap bottles of wine and hang out with homeless bums in Midtown. And he never, ever wore shoes.
Now: He’s a fairly successful musician living outside Nashville. He’s got a wife from Mexico (who I’m sure is gorgeous) and a big spread of land. And when I saw him, he had on very expensive shoes.
10. Big Daddy
Given my history, you can see how lucky things turned out for me.