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The Tale of the Ass Coach

When My Kid had his first basketball practice, Big Daddy came home making very disparaging remarks about one of the kids on the team. I won't even repeat exactly what he said, but he basically referenced that kids like that had their own leagues and he should be playing in that league. I scolded him for talking that way about another child, especially in front of our kid.

Then I went to the first game. And I saw this kid who was completely clueless in an almost sad (but really more humorous) way. Seriously. If they pass the ball to him, he just stands there stupidly and watches it land at his feet. In a game. He doesn't try to catch it, he doesn't try to pick it up off the floor. He just stands there. Half the time, he's staring off into space, which I realize happens sometimes in baseball and soccer but a fast-paced game like basketball? You don't often see a player (especially 10-12 year olds) just standing out on the floor staring off into space. I started to understand why Big Daddy used the derogatory term that he did.

Course, it's recreational ball, so every kid has to play at least two quarters.

Well it turns out this this kid's dad is the assistant coach (remember, the head coach was Kid's soccer coach this fall, who we LOVED). The Ass Coach (as I am hereby calling him) brings his two younger children to all the practices and games with him. Even though he's busy - COACHING - and they're about 4 and 5 years old and COM.PLETE.LY out of control.


You have never seen kids like this.

During the game, they run out onto the court.

They run across the floor - while the game is in progress - and climb on the bleachers on the other side of the gym. These bleachers aren't pulled out from the wall, so they literally scale the bleachers and then run along the top of them.

It is stitches waiting to happen.

And the whole time, the dad is totally ignoring them.

Yesterday, the kids were playing on the steps of the bleachers all the parents were sitting in. They were right next to the dad, who was busy watching the game and keeping stats, and the girl spilt her gatorade on the steps. The dad yelled at the kids to get-over-here-and-sit-down or whatever, but he didn't even bother to clean up the mess.

I waited a bit but then I started to get concerned that someone's grandmother would slip on the steps or that the sticky juice would end up tracked all over the gym floor where the kids were playing ball. So I went to the restroom and pulled out a bunch of brown elementary school paper towels (which, admittedly, aren't all that absorbent) and cleaned it up myself.

And I'm kneeling down on the steps right next to Ass Coach, and I keep expecting him to say "Thank you" to me, but I guess I expect too much from people.

By the end of the 3rd quarter, the other teams were beginning to arrive for the next game. One of the moms on our team who was sitting behind me calls out to Ass Coach that his kids are beating up this other kid over by the gym door. His response? "Yeah, but we know him so it's OK."

I turned around to see what Brian's mom's reaction would be and saw that she was completely appalled by Ass Coach's response. "Well," she said to him, "there's just a lot of pushing and shoving going on over there..." and he said, "I know." End of conversation.

The parents from the other team who were sitting behind me & Big Daddy were even commenting on "those kids" during the game. They were all like "Where the hell is their mother?" and I'm thinking "Exactly."

After the game, Zach's mom said to me, "I just wanted to say 'thank you' for cleaning up that mess." She had been sitting right behind Ass Coach in the bleachers. "I couldn't believe he didn't even thank you," she said. "He looked right at you but then didn't even bother to say thanks."
I mean, right?? OK, fine - he can't break away from the game or whatever so I was willing to do it, but I'm cleaning up HIS KIDS' MESS AND HE CAN'T EVEN GRUNT A 'THANK YOU'??

Now you see what I call him the Ass Coach.

Then we discussed how out of control his children are and how our kids just never acted that way, ya know?

I mean, where IS the mother? How can this man responsibly bring two young children to the practices and games, knowing that he's not going to be available to watch them? And hello? Does he really believe that his children are well-behaved and not in need of supervision?

See, they make you take a test to drive a car, but they'll just let any old asshat have children .