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Kingdom of Heavenly Hair

We went to see "Kingdom of Heaven" this weekend. Big Daddy wanted to see it because he likes those epic dramas with lots of hand-to-hand combat. I hate them. I can never tell who's who during the battle scenes. It just seems like a lot of gratuitous violins to me.

I wanted to see it because I had heard that it was quite historical. I like historical. And it turns out I like looking at Orlando Bloom's hair for two and a half hours, too.

My Kid didn't like it at all. He said he didn't understand it. Probably hasn't studied the Crusades yet. And apparently isn't too familiar with leprosy either since he never could figure out why the King of Jerusalem was wearing that silly mask.

Ummm...chainmail? I don't get it. Why did they wear that? Was it a fashion statement? Because it certainly never stopped any swords or spears or arrows in any of the movies I've ever seen.

Anyhoo, I predict that this movie will do very well overseas but will totally bomb here in the states. Because the bad guys? The ones who refused to live peaceably with other religions and tribes and peoples? Yeah, it was THE CHRISTIANS. OK, technically, it was the Knights Templar, which we'll hear lots more from when "Da Vinci Code" comes out, but Christians nevertheless since they did afterall have that big red cross on their tunics.

And in a time when Christian fundamentalism seems to be at an all-time high in this country, I don't believe too many people here are going to pay money to see Christians unfairly killing Muslims.

My Credits (scroll up slowly and hum some dramatic Bedouin music):

Liam Neeson...Godfrey
He died way too early in the film.

Orlando Bloom...Balian
Did I mention the hair?

Eva Green...Princess Sibylla
Can someone please explain the part to me where she cut off all her hair and went from looking like exotic Arabian princess to pitiful Holocaust survivor?

Brendan Gleeson...Reynald
First Menelaus and now Reynald. Does he ONLY play crude, fat warmongers?

Edward Norton...King of Jerusalem
God it took me FOREVER to figure out who that was behind the mask. OK, not "figure out" so much as "remember who the NPR reviewer said it was." Right before he died, I practically screamed out "FIGHT CLUB! It's the guy from FIGHT CLUB... not Brad Pitt, the other one. What's his name???"

Ghassan Massoud...Saladin
I heard about this guy, he's a drama professor in Syria. I thought it wasn't very PC how much they made him look like Jafar, though.

Jeremy Irons...Tiberias
I kept thinking that I recognized the name of his character. Turns out I was confusing Tiberias the man with Tiberias Israel's most popular holiday resort.